Crazy lady ramblings...

Injury, illness, the depression paradigm

2012-01-21T20:21:00.000+08:00

Well I lasted Monday to Thursday at work, by the time I woke up on Friday I was mentally and physically exhausted and just couldn't force myself to go to work. So for the last two days I have been lying on my couch, alternating between watching the huge amount of sport that is on (Australian Open, Big Bash League Cricket, Basketball etc), snoozing when I feel the need, and coughing my guts up. Delightful.

I'm not a good sick person. I don't cope. Luckily my depression has been kept at bay this week by having to focus on work during the day and then basically falling in a heap and going to sleep at night. I'm usually a very strong person, very independent who doesn't mind in the least when my husband goes out and does other things. This week though, it's really stressing me out. Murray had to go out to church on Tuesday and Wednesday for meetings, and I really struggled being at home without him. Then obviously I was at home yesterday by myself, last night he went out with his Dad, all day today he was out on a fundraiser for his mission trip and tonight he is at the cricket. By no means am I angry at him for doing these things- I love that he goes out to all of these things. Its just that I'm so fragile at the moment... I just really wish he was here with me. I feel more 'normal', more like myself when he is around. When I'm by myself, my head is all over the place.

Hopefully over the next week, my body will work through all of this crap and I will finally get through the fog. Gastro, sciatica, a cold. What more can be thrown at me!

The Daily Grind

2012-01-17T22:00:00.001+08:00

I'm back at work. My cold has gotten worse, my leg is slightly better. It's hard to concentrate on work but I'm slowly getting there. Hubby has just gotten home from a church meeting, and we are going to snuggle in and watch the latest Gossip Girl episode.

Hope everyone else is doing well.

000 Emergency

2012-01-14T00:56:00.001+08:00

Last night was one for the books. I made my first 000 call. For myself.

I went to bed around 10pm and woke at 1am with awful chest pain. My skin went all clammy and I became dizzy and nauseous. Luckily the ambulance arrived within five or so minutes and they looked after me really well. The pain was based in my sternum and they couldn't diagnose what caused it but my heart was fine thank goodness. My blood pressure was quite low but other than that, nothing wrong. After a while the pain starting easing off and although the ambulance officers suggested they take me to the emergency department, I declined and Murray monitored me until the pain fully went away. I don't think I could handle two hospital visits in one week.

All in all, quite a scary experience but very lucky that it was nothing serious. The paramedic said it could be related to the drugs that I have been taking for the sciatica, or a muscle complaint, or something completely unrelated.

Otherwise, I did a lot better today. My mother-in-law came over in the morning to check in on me which was nice, then I had a long nap and spent the evening with a friend watching an old 90's movie. It was exactly what I needed to get some normality back into my life. Now I am just hoping and praying that each day continuously gets better, and my depression and and anxiety get under control.

Oops, forgot to mention in the flurry of it all. I got my MRI results back which show disc protrusion at L4/L5 and more significant protrusion at L5/S1 so I am being referred to the hospitals Spine and Pain Management Unit. Hopefully they can help this not reoccur!

Enough drama for 2012 already, hopefully I have used my quota for the year.

Today

2012-01-12T12:57:00.000+08:00

This is really tough.

Depression sucks.

Health update

2012-01-11T23:09:00.001+08:00

I am doing much better today. My pain levels are under control with just neurogenic, so no more codeine or oxy thank goodness! I still have loss of feeling and pins and needles and very weak, but I can cope with all of that. My MRI was last night so I am off to the dr tomorrow to get them checked over to see what we can do to fix it and prevent it from happening again. I am also going to have Bowen therapy to or row to help manage the symptoms.

I think the worst part of the weekend, obviously besides the pain, was the way my mental health suffered so much. It wasn't just the injury, it was the effect it had on not being at work, having to give up an amazing acting job opportunity, and not being able to hand in a uni assignment, all of which got me stressed out to the point of thinking bad thoughts and suffering anxiety attacks. In the end, Murray had to take two days off work to look after me and make sure I was okay. It's been really tough on both of us. I'm just glad that I am thinking clearly again and ready to star thinking about getting back to work and normal life.

Thanks for all your thoughts and well wishes xxx

Progress

2012-01-08T18:22:00.000+08:00

My sciatic pain has shifted a bit. It is still awful but now it alternates between being agony, and then periods of numbness with pins and needles, all the way down and including my feet. I am walking with a limp and have lost all strength in my left leg. The first time I got out of bed, I fell over because I wasn't expecting it! I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, at least the numbness has given me some relief from the 72 hours of agony.

I'm busy trying to finish off a uni assignment that was due on Thursday, which is giving me no end of grief. I was struggling with it before I got the injury, but in my oxy-haze, absolutely nothing is making sense to me. Luckily I was given an extension until today, but I don't think I will be making that deadline!

In other random news, I have been using all this new found spare time filling in my new 2012 diary! This year I got a Kikki K red A5 diary and I love it! It's my christmas present to myself each year as it usually takes me a couple of months to find the exact right diary that is 'the one'! My neurosis, I know! So I have busily put on all important dates and holidays that are coming up - it's quite exciting to see everything we are doing in the next month or two.

Hopefully the next blog entry will see me being pain free, back to work, and feeling good!

Pain

2012-01-07T16:57:00.001+08:00

I am currently writhing in pain on my lounge suite. I have the most agonizing pain running down the back/side of my left leg which the dr has said is sciatica. I haven't had a moment pain free in 48 hours and I'm about to lose the plot. The locum doctor just visited our house and gave me some oxycodone and Voltaren rapid to help control the pain

I'm so tired of having things wrong with my body. I had gastro for a few days after the new year, my SIJ back pain came back and now this. I'm so frustrated that I can't just be healthy. Once this is under control I am on the war path to getting myself in better condition. I have signed up to Michelle Bridge's 12 week body transformation which I am hoping will help set me up with some better habits for eating and exercise. My physio is also going to work on remedial Pilates with me to help build strength in my back.

On that note I'm signing off as the drugs are making me just a little loopy- hopefully I get some pain relief from this soon.

Boxing Day

2011-12-26T21:37:00.001+08:00

Christmas was really good this year. Bar half a glass of champagne at breakfast, I haven't been drinking or overindulging with food, which I think has helped keep my spirits high and away from depressive thoughts.

We had a lovely breakfast at my Mums place to start the day, followed by a visit with my brothers family. All 5 kids were there and it was great to be Aunty Bec, giving out lots of presents! Then we trotted off to Murray's family for the big traditional lunch. We had a bit of a near miss when the chair Murray was on broke and he fell back and hit his head on a brick wall! Rather sobering at the time, but he was okay and now we have a funny story to tell for future Christmases!

I was very spoilt for Christmas with lots of thoughtful presents. Murray gave me a tagine to cook Morrocan food (which we both enjoy), and a custom made canvas with a photo and my favorite bible verse. I cried my eyes out when he gave it to me, it was just incredibly thoughtful. I've also picked up a smattering of body products, cash, handbags, jewelry and chocolates from family! Very spoiled!

Today we went to my sister in laws house for her husbands birthday. I also ducked out to the shops for the Boxing Day sales and used my Christmas cash to buy two beautiful Leona Edmiston dresses. We also looked after the two little boys who lived next door for an hour tonight so their parents could watch a TV special in peace. It was actually really nice to do normal parent-like things, it does make me happy, regardless of how I've been feeling of late.

Right now I am reclining on the couch watching replays of the NBA Christmas day games with Charlie draped across me having a nap. Surely nothing can top that?

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T23:24:00.000+08:00

Just a quick one as I will be busy tomorrow, but wanted to wish you all a wonderful Christmas with your friends, families, loved ones and partners.

We are off to my Mums in the morning for breakfast, then to my brothers place to catch up with him and my nieces and nephews, then to the in-laws for the traditional big lunch.

Please stay safe and have a great day x

Pain

2011-12-18T14:01:00.001+08:00

My back is still in a lot of pain, but it is slowly improving. Lots of slow walks, changing my posture when I sit and stand, and trying to relax rather than tensing in anticipation of pain is helping to gently fix things, along with physio nearly every day. While I don't wish this on anyone, at least it has been a distraction from the end of our fertility treatment. I've put all my feelings about it in a box to deal with another time. I'm scared that if I open that box now, I will become too overwhelmed.

This last two weeks, I've realised that my depression isn't as under control as I thought it was. It's certainly not at the level it has been when I'm not medicated, but I have moments that are breaking through of dark thoughts, darker than I have felt for a long time. The physical pain of this injury doesn't help, I've always had a low tolerance for pain, and pain adds to my poor disposition.

Trying to get through the haze.

Sore and sorry for myself

2011-12-15T21:18:00.001+08:00

Lucky me has hurt my back. Somehow I have hurt my sacroiliac joint, connecting my pelvis and back. It's been debilitating- I've barely been able to walk, let alone stand unaided. It's finally starting to get under control thanks to a compression belt and lots of physio, but I am so exhausted from dealing with all the pain and being an invalid.

I got my period on Monday. So it's over properly. One day at a time.

Hiding

2011-12-11T10:57:00.001+08:00

I am meant to be at a first birthday party right now. For a beautiful little girl who I love to death, and even made her birthday cake for today. Instead I am at home in my bed, hiding from the world. I'm not coping.

I thought these IUI's would give me a little bit of hope and a feeling that we are actually doing something. Logically I knew the odds were against us, but somewhere along the way, the hope became too much, and now I am shattered.

Shattered because this is the last treatment we are doing now. We are on the public waiting list which Could take years, if they even take us because of our multitude of IVF, my weight and whatever other curveball will be thrown our way. Adoption is out due to my weight, we can't afford IVF let alone surrogacy which has been my latest thought. And 5.5 years down, we are still in the wilderness.

Shattered because I always believed that somehow, someway, we would be parents. To a real live human child. And I'm not sure I believe that anymore. My heart is broken.

So I am hiding. I am coping only by separating myself from the world. Scratch that, I'm not even coping then. The thoughts running through my head are ugly. I need some time out.

Not pregnant

2011-12-10T18:44:00.001+08:00

Is there anything left to say?

Nothing new

2011-12-03T00:50:00.001+08:00

This week has been extra long. Work has been exhausting, three days of audits has drained all my energy. But now I am in weekend mode. I went and did my grocery shopping (the quietest place to be on a Friday night), finished writing the last of my Christmas cards, watched a movie with hubby (Red Dog - a fabulous movie - I cried like a baby) and am now off to bed.

We have friends coming over for dinner, so I will get my chef on tomorrow - veal parmigiana with potato cakes and roast vegetables followed by homemade apple pie. We are also going to head out and try and find a real Christmas tree to decorate. I've never had a real tree before, we have a great fake one that usually goes up, but I want something a bit different this year.

I have Monday off work so I am looking forward to a lazy sleep in and running some errands, and Tuesday I am doing a defensive driver course for my work. Even though work is so busy, we do have a lot of Christmas functions coming up which will be nice.

Today is 6dpiui. I don't think I'm pregnant but stranger things have happened in the world. I have rung my clinic to get an update from the donor coordinator on where we are on the embryo donor list. I'm happy to wait for the public IVF even though it is 18 months away, but I'm really scared that I'm not going to be able to shift the weight I need to be eligible for treatment and I need to have other options so I am prepared for the worst.

Anyway, trying not to get bogged down by infertility at the moment, just everyday as it comes.

IUI #2

2011-11-28T12:21:00.001+08:00

We had the insemination yesterday afternoon so now we wait. It was very uncomfortable as usual but luckily no spasms which I am grateful for. Murray was there as well and held my hand through it which was nice. He isn't often able to be with me through our fertility treatment so it was a really 'together' moment for us.

The clinic didn't tell me when my test date is, so I am going with Saturday 10th December (13dpiui).

Progress

2011-11-26T11:15:00.001+08:00

No sleep in for me this morning, I was off to the clinic for an early morning blood test and scan - just the way I wanted to start my weekend! Scan showed a couple of follicles, one at 25mm, one at 17mm and one at 14mm.

Having a scan this cycle and last has helped to identify that perhaps ovulation for me is more of a problem than we initially thought. I seem to grow follicles well but my body doesn't trigger ovulation by itself- go figure.

Anyhow with all of those follicles, it looks like I will be triggering tonight and the insemination tomorrow afternoon. Fingers crossed all goes well.

Charlie

2011-11-24T23:06:00.001+08:00

My poor little puppy is in the wars at the moment. We came home from work today to find Charlie with one of his eyes closed and swollen. We took him to the vet where they found that he had an ulcer on his eye, which they had to scrape off and give him a local anesthetic. He also appears to have a skin allergy or dermatitis as his skin is quite red and he can't stop licking and scratching himself which isn't normal behavior for him.

Anyhow, he has to have eye drops, antibiotics, pain killers and special shampoo and a check up on Monday to make sure he is okay, but we are very glad it wasn't something worse.

Besides that, I want to say Happy Thanksgiving to all my US based friends. For the rest of us - Christmas is not far away! I've been busy getting my shopping done, and now I only have my Mum and brothers to buy for.

I can't stop thinking about Daniel deploying. I know he is going to be fine, but I keep having this daydream of going to his funeral, and it is freaking me out. People telling me he will be fine is not reassuring me, only frustrating me. I think it is something that I will just deal with when the time comes. I went past the post office today and bought 20 of the right size boxes that we can use to send care packages over. I'm going to address them all and then hand them out to his mates and our family so he gets a constant flow of messages and goodies. It will probably embarrass the heck out of him, but I want him to know we love him and are thinking of him. Oh dear, I'm getting weepy and he hasn't even left yet!

I've had a bit of work drama this last couple of weeks, which I think will be okay now, but it has been exhausting and upsetting. I'm looking forward to a week off at Christmas, and then our trip to Bali next year!

In fertility news, I am off for my day 10 blood test tomorrow, hopefully the clomid has done its job again and we will do a donor insemination early next week.

Anyhow, I should probably head to bed. Now I have my new iPad gadget (OMG it is awesome! Best early Christmas present ever!), I've been going to bed early but playing on the iPad until far past my bedtime!

Night all x

Family

2011-11-18T16:35:00.001+08:00

Family

I just got a call out of the blue from my brother. Daniel is the baby of the family and at the ripe old age of 21, he has been in the Australian Army for nearly four years. We were really lucky that after his initial training at Kapooka, he was based at Swanbourne, so even though he lived on base, we could still see him and catch up with him fairly regularly. 18 months ago he was transferred to Brisbane, so we have been restricted to Christmas visits and the odd drunken phone call when he remembers his dear old sis at 11pm randomly.

I think you know where this story is heading.

The call today was prefaced with 'you are going to hate this'. Instantly my brain went to pregnancy news (cos that's how I roll). Of course I was wrong. It's better, yet worse. My brother is going to Afghanistan. He is thrilled to bits, and is glad that he is going to have the opportunity to be involved in the efforts there, and put into action all the things he has trained for. But I am in shock. I knew it was a possibility, I mean -it's the army, it's purpose is war. But still… he's my baby brother. I still see him in my head as the baby faced 13 year old who shows me tricks on his skateboard. I know he is an adult, and I have no doubt of his awesomeness - come on, he is my brother afterall. But I can't help being scared.

No luck

2011-11-14T14:34:00.001+08:00

No luck this round. Test results were negative. Will wait for period and then start again.
I'm disappointed but putting my faith in God. It's all I can do right now.

results

2011-11-11T12:07:00.000+08:00

Today is 10dpIUI and of course I couldn't hold out until a reasonable time to test. Negative of course. I don't know why I did it to myself. The logical part of my brain says it's too early anyway, but even if it's not, I knew the odds were low of this being successful. Especially because it's us - we never get things right the first time.

Still, my heart feels like it has been run over by a truck. You can't help getting your hopes up.

Official blood test is Monday, which is a day earlier than normal as I wanted to get the results over and done with.

hot

2011-11-05T23:36:00.000+08:00

I have no idea if it is because of the Clomid or the weird weather we are having, or my hormones playing up, but I am constantly having hot flashes. Probably once an hour I feel like I am standing in the sun and my face and arms feel extremely hot. It usually passes after five minutes or so, but I am feeling menopausal! I thought it might be the clomid, but I only took it for the five days at the beginning of my cycle so I doubt it is that. Oh well... hopefully it disappears soon.

In other news, I am 5dpIUI and besides feeling a little crampy, I am doing fine. Even though logically I know the odds are low for success, I can't help but feel happy that we have a chance this cycle to fall, and I am really hoping and praying that it is going to happen. It's nice to feel this hopeful.

Winning!

2011-11-01T19:19:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling good today. Actually, I feel downright awesome. Not only did we have our IUI this afternoon, I also won the sweepstakes for the Melbourne Cup at work, and won a separate bet on the winner, netting me $130! To celebrate, I brought yummy asian takeaway food for us and our neighbours.

The IUI went pretty smoothly. The lab had to thaw two straws to make up the sample, but the sample was very strong - 15 million sperm, 10 million motile (66%) and 90% of that 66% were forward motile. The procedure went okay, although my cervix did spasm after the catheter was inserted (ouch!). But all in all, very easy and it was nice to lie back for 20 minutes afterwards and think happy thoughts about it all.

I am doing my blood test on Monday the 14th, which is good as I have the day off work, so I wont have to leave early if I get upset at bad news. I am feeling really confident. I figure if I can tip the winner of a race with 22 other horses in it, why the hell can't I fall pregnant as well!

IUI progress

2011-10-31T15:56:00.000+08:00

Today is day 13 of our IUI cycle and I have two follicles on my right side ready to pop! The bigger of the two is 20mm and the second one is at 17mm. I just got my blood test results and my estrogen is steady at 1600 and LH is still at 6, so I am going to trigger this afternoon (thank goodness I have a spare trigger injection!) and have my insemination tomorrow afternoon at 4.30pm!

My estrogen has risen nicely, from 780 on day 10, 1200 day 11, and 1600 on day 12, and 1600 again today, which is a relief as the levels fluctuated heavily during our IVF which I believe is part of the reason the embryos didn’t continue to grow after fertilisation.

I am very excited that we are actually going to have a shot at this. As in, we may actually get pregnant. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high, but I'm excited!

Tomorrow is also the Melbourne Cup - I've back ed Mourayan to win, let's hope that I'm a winner in at least one race!

Donor Insemination

2011-10-20T12:37:00.000+08:00

Today is day 2 of my cycle, and my first day taking Clomid - oh the joys! We are trying a couple of rounds of donor IUI before the calendar year is up and making use of the Medicare Safety Net. Basically it means that the IUI's will only cost around $200 each - much more affordable than normal.

I took Primolut while I was on holiday, and after a 50 day cycle (GRR!), I finally have my period, and can get started with this round. So 5 days of 100mg Clomid starting today, then a blood test on Day 10 (Next Friday - Queens Birthday public holiday). As I haven't taken Clomid before, we don't know how my body will respond, but I am praying that, for once, my body does what it should do and ovulates, allowing us to do donor insemination. The odds of success are low, but at least I will feel like we have had a shot at something, and that this year hasn't been a complete waste.

I have come to terms that we will be taking a year off treatment next year. I'm actually a little excited about all the stuff I can plan - I want to do another triathlon in February, so trying to build up my fitness over the coming months to prepare for it. We also have a mini holiday booked in March which also is very exciting.

So much to look forward to.
I'm in a good place.

gallivanting

2011-10-18T17:41:00.000+08:00

Gallivanting: Go around from one place to another in the pursuit of pleasure or entertainment.

I had written up my blog post for today when I checked to make sure I had spelt gallivanting correctly, and I came across this definition, which I love. We have definitely been off gallivanting!

We are finally back from our two week adventure in Europe, and we had an amazing time. We worked our way from London across the ocean to Holland, spending time in Rotterdam and Amsterdam, and then caught the train down to Paris for a week. Oh Paris! And then back to London for a short while before starting the trip back home (all 24 hours of it - yay!)

It was just amazing, something special that we will remember for a lifetime. I'm so glad we did it, and got to spend some quality time together, just the two of us. So without further adieu, some photos of our trip!

We saw the Lion King at the Lyceum Theatre at the West End!

Outside the Lyceum Theatre

Watching the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace. We saw the queen twice on our visit!

A river cruise down the Thames

Picadilly Circus. Everything in London is gearing up for the Olympics next year

We visited the Anne Frank house in Amsterdam. It was cold and rainy so I bought myself a very warm souvenir to use!

Rotterdam was fabulous! Probably my favourite place of the trip.

Breakfast at our Rotterdam hotel - a feast!

Waiting for our water taxi to take us to dinner. I was freezing cold here but insistent that I wanted to wear my dress without tights or a jumper - oh silly me!

We attended a Euro 2012 qualifier football match at de Kuip. I'm not a football fan (prefer Aussie Rules anyday!), but Murray wanted to see a soccer match while we were in Europe, and it was great fun. The Dutch fans were incredible - everyone wore orange including us, and they sang songs and cheered all the way through.

One of the highlights of my trip was finding my Oma's house from when they lived in Rotterdam. My Oma, Opa and uncles moved to Australia in the 1950's, but lived all their lives before that in this house, and I feel very blessed to have been able to find it. The current owners of the house (who bought the house off of my Oma!) came out and once they heard our story, invited us to come in and take photos of the inside of the house. They were very excited to see us, and gave us some contact details of people who knew my Oma to take back to her.

Onto Paris! (continued in next post)

gallivanting part ii

2011-10-18T15:41:00.002+08:00

There must be a limit on how many photos I can post - so onto some more photos of our trip!

The Louvre was stunning - but huge! We only got through about a third of it!

They Louvre pyramid

The only lowlight of the trip - somebody tried to pickpocket me while I was taking a photo of the Mona Lisa. I caught her in the act without realising, it was only after she made a beeline for the exit that I realised my bag was open and the zips all open which I had been fastidious about keeping closed. Luckily nothing was missing as I must have interrupted her!

Oh the crepes in Paris - how I love thee!

Notre Dame, such a beautiful church.

Lots of self-portrait shots! This one in front of Notre Dame, probably our favourite place in Paris.

Love the creativity

My heart

Montmartre

Scare Coeur Basillica

Montmartre was lovely, we even tasted Macaroons!

The countdown begins

2011-09-30T20:23:00.000+08:00

Every minute is filled with excitement. On Sunday, we will be jetting our way across the world to Europe. To be honest I can't believe we are actually, really going. It feels a bit like a dream, that part when you first wake up and can kinda remember what you were thinking about, but you don't know if it is real or not? That's the state I am in at the moment.

I always thought going to Paris was a pipe dream for us, and if I'm honest, I never really allowed myself to even dream about it because I believed it simply wasn't achievable. Instead we did a lot of travel around Australia and south-east Asia, which was very satisfying. But to actually be heading to Western Europe is mind-blowing.

The itinerary is set! We have two weeks spread across London, Rotterdam and Paris. My Dad has given me lots of information about where my Oma and Opa lived in Holland and I am hoping that their house is still standing (it's in an industrial area) so I can take photos to bring back for the family. We are going to see a show at the West End, visit the Anne Frank house in Amsterdam, watch a Euro 2012 qualifier at the Kuip, and taste French wine in Paris.

This trip has given us something to look forward to during the really rough parts of this year. I can't wait for Murray and I to go on this adventure together.

Plan C, D & E

2011-09-25T08:00:00.001+08:00

On Tuesday I met with Dr T to review our failed IVF cycle and to talk about the future. I came with my own ideas of course, but I was really pleasantly surprised to see the empathy from Dr T about our situation. We didn't dwell on the results of last cycle too much, as there are too many variable that could have impacted the lack of embryo development, and we just don't have the funds anymore to finance anymore IVF treatment. We have been very lucky that my in-laws have paid for this cycle on their credit card, and we will slowly pay them back, otherwise we would not have had the opportunity to cycle. However, we have now reached the Medicare safety net, which means that any medical treatment we do for the remainder of the calendar year is significantly cheaper - up to 80% moreso than normal.

That being the case, we have decided to try something completely different, and attempt as many Clomid DIUI cycles as we can before the year is out. As I have never used Clomid before, it is possible I wont respond to the drug, or alternatively I respond too well and multiple follicles develop. IUI only has an 8-10% success rate at our clinic, however I feel that it is worth a shot, and considering the cost will work out to under $200 out of pocket for each attempt, it is good value to have at least some kind of shot at falling pregnant. We won't hang our hat on it working, but it is a shot, and I can't ask for more than that right now. I am taking the Clomid overseas with me in case I get my period early, so that we can squeeze as many cycles in as possible - hopefully 3 but more likely just 2 cycles. That's the short term plan at least.

There is a bigger picture though, and it something I was only vaguely aware of previously, and that is the public IVF clinic here in Perth. Apparently King Edward Memorial Hospital run a public IVF clinic, which we can go on the waiting list for. There is around an 18 month wait to be seen, but we will be able to start IVF immediately after that 18 month period, with no cost to us as they only charge the amount that Medicare give to them directly. 18 months is a long time, but it is not a lifetime away. It is doable, and it would take the pressure off of us financially, giving us a chance to recover, pay off some of our credit card debts that we have racked up, and perhaps allow me and Murray time to heal a bit. The timing works out to around March 2013. It's a long time, and I may take me some time to get used to taking a break for that period of time- by then we will have been trying for a baby for seven years. Seven. That's a scary number.

There is also a BMI limit for the public clinic, which means getting my BMI under 35. Tough, but with a year to 18 months of waiting time, I can do it steadily and on my own terms.

Who knows, maybe we will fall pregnant with the DUIU cycles. But I am preparing myself for the long wait. Maybe it will be good. Maybe it wont. Either way it's about our only option, so I willing to grab it with both hands.

Friendships and life stages

2011-09-24T06:00:00.005+08:00

This week has had a lot of ups and downs, sometimes even at the same time as each other. One of my closest friends called me to announce her pregnancy. They have had their own battles trying to conceive their second child, and I love them dearly and am so grateful that they will have their long awaited for sibling. But another part of me is broken. Not that they are pregnant although that is bittersweet in its own way, but that our friendship has slid as much as it has.

When my girlfriend fell pregnant with their first child, the same month that we started trying, I was the second person to know after her husband. I distinctly remember screaming and laughing down the phone, so happy that she was having a baby and I wouldn't be far behind, and we would do all those 'Mummy' things together. Time has passed and her life has moved on from mine. During the pregnancy and first year we remained close, but after a while we had less in common. I'm not exactly the best of company during fertility treatment, and after they started trying for a second child unsuccessfully, I felt like I was reminder to her of the things that can go wrong. None of this is her fault, and I don't believe it's mine either. It's just the way it is and it's hard.

Now we are in different places again. I hope our friendship is able to pull through it all.

Planning as therapy

2011-09-23T12:55:00.006+08:00

Murray and I recently went for some support counselling to help us process the results of our last cycle. One of the things the counsellor said that resonated with me, is that fertility has become a job to me, and I over-plan everything. I spend all my time planning fertility treatment, and basing our life around the 'what-if's' should I fall or not fall pregnant.

The counsellor is right, I do all of those things. But I have accepted that this is the way I deal with things. I am a planner. I know that this can sometimes be painful as you can't plan fertility - it chooses its own time. I really do get that. But it's my method of coping. Without a plan I am lost, and I can't allow myself to relax because I end up feeling like I don't have control of anything. While I may not control the day and time we have a child, I can damn sure control other things, and so that is what I will do.

Ramblings

2011-09-01T17:56:00.000+08:00

I have my period. Another reminder of how crappy this all is. Plus I have a wicked flu that has knocked me for six. Coughing up green gunk really isn't the best way to make yourself feel better about your life.

This afternoon, one of our dogs decided to try on their escape artist skills. Eventually we found her, thanks to my gorgeous friends who spent time in the rain scouring the streets near our house, but I broke down and cried my eyes out when she got back inside. Everything about these last few weeks came pouring out of me and I couldn't stop sobbing.

I am devastated over my infertility, but there is no choice but to put the pieces together again, and continue the battle. There is only a month until our holiday and I want to really enjoy our experience in Europe. So the next month is about getting back to normal, or as close to that as possible. Once we are back from our trip, and get over the Christmas hump - well, I have some ideas about what we might pursue then. But for now, it's about finding my centre.

Rising from the ashes

2011-08-31T16:31:00.000+08:00

Thankyou for your supportive comments, emails, phone calls and messages. This last week has been challenging for both Murray and I. I'm not quite up to writing too much right now, especially since I have come down with a killer flu today, but we are coping.
For the moment we aren't pursuing any more fertility treatment. That's not to say we wont in the future, but the pain of all of this is going to take some time to fully deal with.

And zero equals none

2011-08-22T14:47:00.002+08:00

None of the embryos made it. We are heartbroken. I don't even know where to begin.
Another door has closed.

Insanity

2011-08-21T13:02:00.002+08:00

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. I guess I'm insane.

All of our eight embryos have arrested, with no cell division at all. The embryologist said that there is a slim chance that one embryo may still divide and just be extremely slow, but to prepare ourselves for the fact that none have made it.

I can't express the anguish or the shock.

Day 24 - Fertilisation Results

2011-08-20T16:44:00.000+08:00

After a couple of hours playing phone tag with our clinic, we have our fertilisation results. Of the ten eggs collected, two were immature and unable to be injected (ICSI). However of the remaining eight eggs that were injected, all eight have fertilised! We are thrilled with this result, and are now holding on for each days update.

I am really hoping that we will be able to do a transfer (day 3 or 5, either will be fine), and then have at least two to freeze so that we can avoid doing any further stim cycles.

Day 23 - Egg Collection

2011-08-19T16:29:00.000+08:00

Egg Collection is over and done with and we have ended up with 10 eggs! It's the lowest number of eggs I've had retrieved to date, but as a result, my OHSS risk is quite low which is great. Also great is how good I am feeling after the procedure! Concept use a twilight anaesthetic which I am completely in love with after today's experience - no nausea, no breathing tubes, up and walking in an hour and a half after surgery.

So for now I am resting up, I haven't slept much these last couple of days, so using this time to catch up my sleep debt. I have to call the clinic between 2 and 3 tomorrow to find out our fertilisation results. We did ask the embryologist this morning if we could use ICSI rather than straight IVF, just to throw everything we have at this round of treatment, and they have agreed to our request.

Praying so hard that we make it to embryo transfer.

Day 21 - the results

2011-08-17T16:36:00.000+08:00

We are going ahead with egg collection on Friday!!!

I am so relieved that we are able to go ahead with treatment, I let out the biggest sigh of relief once I got the phone call with the good news. It was actually the nurse who I had the altercation with this morning which made the conversation a little interesting. She made a comment at the end that I 'got what I wanted' which I thought was a little snarky at the time. But I'm not dwelling on that, I am just so pleased to finally get to this point.

It has been two years since my last egg collection! And this time it is at a different clinic with different protocols. From what I've heard, Concept use a twilight anaesthetic instead of a general which is a little scary! But apparently a lot easier to recover from which can only be a good thing.

So my trigger injection will be at 7.30pm tonight (at the concert!) and then we get to the clinic first thing Friday morning for egg pick up at 7.30am. All going well, next Wednesday we will have a little embryo on board!!!!!

Day 21

2011-08-17T11:41:00.002+08:00

Plenty of follicles, one at 20mm, a whole bunch between 14-16mm, and even more at 10-14mm. I'm fairly sure they wont trigger me tonight and may even wait until Friday to trigger.
I am utterly spent. I have cried more in this cycle than I have for the whole year before this month. I am on edge all the time, and the slightest thing can send me into a tail-spin. It doesn't feel like my usual depression-mix though which makes me think it is purely situational - the hormones and treatment cycle are just pushing my buttons hard this time round.
That may explain why I ended up in a (how to put it politely) 'disagreement' with one of the fertility nurses this morning. I came in with good intentions, just needing to let them know that I was nearly out of drugs and would need some extra from tomorrow. Somehow it turned into a debate as to how far to push a PCOS patient during IVF, with the nurse disputing that my Dr is conservative, and basically saying that I had no idea what I was talking about, that she did know, and bla bla bla. I know I'm a little sensitive at the moment, but she was getting agitated and I wasn't happy, so I walked out of that room very upset and having a good cry in the car before I headed to work. Now I just hope that she isn't the one who rings and gives my results this afternoon.

Day 20

2011-08-16T22:09:00.000+08:00

It's mixed news according to the nurse who called with my results this afternoon. My hormone levels have risen which is a good sign, but they are confused about why my follicles and estrogen aren't matching up. They think that it could be a sign that the eggs aren't the best quality. He nurse said the doctor is considering whether to cancel the cycle. She also said that an alternative may be to go ahead with egg collection and freeze all the embryos.

My comments back to her were that firstly, if we do an egg collection, unless I am hyperstimulating, I want to have an embryo transfer. There is nothing lost in trying it, and if it doesn't work, we are no worse off than if we had chosen to not have a transfer. The other thing I said was that I needed more information to make an informed assessment of the situation. Does 'the eggs may be poor quality' indicate that no these eggs wont work at all, or is it simply sub-optimal. If it is the latter, and it is only a reduction in quality (eg from a 45% success rate, to a 35% or even 25% success rate), then I want to keep going. There is a school of thought that embryos that come from a OHSS cycle are poor quality, yet we managed to get pregnant twice from those eggs, so surely it's not the be-all and end-all? But I also realise that if when they mean poor quality they are actually saying the eggs are unusable, well that's a different story. The nurse mentioned that fertilisation can be poor with these eggs, but surely that is what ICSI is used for, where there is a prediction of poor fertilisation?

My estrogen level today is back at 3400 and I have another scan tomorrow morning. If things go well, I may have to take my trigger injection, smack bang in the middle of a concert we are going to tomorrow night. My favourite artist of all time is coming to town and there is no way I am going to miss the show, but it will certainly be experience trying to get a needle through security!

Day 19

2011-08-15T13:39:00.001+08:00

I am so nervous. I've done this 13 times before, I should be used to it by now. But I am so scared that we wont get to egg collection. I'm petrified the doctor will say we have to many follicles and risk of hyperstimulation is too high. I worry that my call from the nurses each afternoon will say my hormone levels are too high, or too low, or too something. I have never felt the rollercoaster as much as I have this round.

I don't have a Plan B. I have always had something else to move onto - first it was IVM, then IVF, then frozen transfers, donor sperm and adoption. But we are all out of options. Right now this is the only option, and it is a one time deal according to our Dr. I can't afford to have this fail. I'm not sure my heart can deal with another failure. I keep having these fleeting moments of hope, which I have to squash down so I don't set myself up for a fall. And then I play with my bestie's littlies next door, and my heart beats squeals at me to keep going.

My scan this morning showed around a dozen follicles on each side, the biggest at 16mm with a bunch of 10-14mm follicles trailing. I will update when I know what my estrogen levels are and what is happening next. My guess is another blood test tomorrow, possibly triggering Wednesday night and egg collection on Friday. Trying to keep my head screwed on, and not panic too much. Gosh it is hard.

Edited to add that my blood test results are back and my estrogen levels have dropped to 2200. The clinic can't explain it, and I don't understand it. They said that it may indicate a quality issue, but considering I haven't had that issue before, they are still proceeding. Off for another blood test in the morning.

Day 18

2011-08-14T13:05:00.000+08:00

And my hormones have dropped a little bit today, back down to 3300. Had a mini freak-out on the phone, but the nurse assures me that it is perfectly normal for the levels to fluctuate a bit. I'm off to the clinic again tomorrow morning to check what is happening with my follicles. Am hoping there aren't too many people at the clinic in the morning as I have a 9am meeting which our General Manager chairs - not a good look to be late for that one!

This has been a decidedly lazy weekend; lots of lazing on the lounge with the furbabies, heater on, and the football on television. It helps that the weather outside has been on the wet side, giving me an excuse to be this lazy! Hope you are all having a fabulous weekend, wherever you are and whatever the temperature!

Day 17

2011-08-13T18:02:00.000+08:00

We are still in it. Estrogen is at 4700 so it hasn't risen too much, yet just enough. My lead follicle was at 14mm (although Murray and I think it is 13mm and the Dr wrote it down as 14 just to make me feel better - true story!). I sighed such a deep sigh of relief when I got the phone call with my results. The nurse said that I need to come in for a blood test, but that my trigger injection should only be a couple of days away.

I can't believe that we are actually going to get to egg collection. At this point of our treatment woes, I can't even visualise being pregnant, but the hope this brings me is immense. I have so many people sending me messages on facebook, twitter, sms and email, moreso than I ever have for other cycles. We need this. Lord, please let this be it.

Day 16

2011-08-12T15:42:00.002+08:00

Estrogen is at 4400 and I have to go in for a scan and another hormone check in the morning. Please let this be it...

Day 15

2011-08-11T14:21:00.000+08:00

My estrogen has risen to 3300, so fingers crossed my body has finally worked out what to do. I have another blood test in the morning, and then probably a scan on Saturday morning. Every time the clinic rings with my results, I expect something bad to happen and for the cycle to be cancelled. But we are still here. Every part of my body is willing this to happen.

Day 13

2011-08-09T14:25:00.000+08:00

My estrogen has gone up to 1200 so we are still in the game for now. My ultrasound shows a bunch of follicles around the 6-9mm mark, still very small for this stage of my cycle, but we are going to push on and see if we can get them to grow to maturity.

My head is all over the place. For the first time in all of our 14 treatment cycles, I cried while having my ultrasound done. I couldn't help it, I was so upset that there was no lead follicle, and that they were still so small. The nurse ended up spending 10 minutes with me afterwards, helping me to calm down.

Most likely this cycle will be cancelled. Logically I know that. But I am so grateful that we are still pushing through to see if we can salvage something from this situation. Just to get to egg collection would be a miracle in itself.

Fingers crossed.

Day 12

2011-08-08T14:40:00.002+08:00

My estrogen has popped back up to 580. No idea what is going on with my body so back for another ultrasound tomorrow morning. At least it is something.

The Call Back

2011-08-07T13:13:00.000+08:00

Eventually I got a phone call last night at 6pm, but unfortunately I was in the shower and missed it. Instead of leaving instructions like they usually do, I was asked to call back today to get my results. Right. So I called at 8 like they requested and was told that someone would call me when they were free. By 11am I still hadn't heard, and had no idea whether to continue with my drugs or not. I called back and told the receptionist that I wasn't hopping off the phone until I spoke to a nurse. Finally I spoke to a nurse who seemed surprised that I hadn't been called back earlier.

The results weren't great. My estrogen has dropped back to 350 and they don't know what is going on. They have said for me to keep going with my drugs and have another blood test tomorrow morning. It might just be drawing out the inevitable, but considering I have all the drugs here anyway, and my body is unpredictable, I may as well keep taking them and monitoring my levels to see if by some miracle, my body comes right.

I was meant to go to my father-in-laws birthday last night, but I ended up sending Murray by himself instead. It has been a really rough couple of days, and my coping mechanisms are not working. I didn't want to be around other people, least of all a newborn baby. Instead I spent the night cuddled up with my fur-babies in front of the tv, watching the full first season of 'The Big Bang Theory'. It was great therapy to laugh at mindless jokes, and forget about everything going on. I need that.

Unimportant

2011-08-06T16:37:00.001+08:00

Apparently I am that unimportant, that the clinic couldn't even be bothered calling me back with my results and instructions this afternoon. I went in for my blood test and scan this morning. The scan showed lots of antral follicles but no other follicle development, so I know that things aren't good with this cycle, but I left clear instructions with the nurse about what I wanted to happen (use up remaining drugs and continue to monitor to see if we can convert to IUI). I also had a good cry to the nurse as I was upset about the scan and the whole nine yards. SO they knew this was important.

But apparently it is too freaking difficult to call all of your patients back. You know, because it's not like we are paying them huge amounts of money or anything.

It might just be a small stuff up, but after the week I have had, it's the straw that has this camel at breaking point.

donors, embryos and ivf

2011-08-05T18:45:00.000+08:00

I called the clinic today to check where we are on the Donor Embryo waiting list. I shouldn't have got my hopes up. We are number 50 in the queue at the clinic. With only a handful of embryos donated each year, it is pretty much a write-off.

Another roadblock.

I'm seriously considering advertising in one of the Perth womens magazines, appealing to women who have had their children through IVF, if they have finished their families, to consider donating their remaining embryos to us. We don't care about ethnicity or physical features. We just want a child to love and care for.

This IVF cycle hasn't busted... yet. At least that is something to hold onto. My estrogen was at 510 this morning, so I am off to the clinic in the morning for a scan. I just need something to go right for us.

Email from Adoption Services

2011-08-03T08:31:00.000+08:00

I got into work this morning to find an email from the coordinator at Adoption Services. Turns out they never even sent off my original medical report. And apparently the BMI limit is mentioned at one of the workshops I went to. I can categorically say 100% true that it was not mentioned, ever.

The email is below

Hi Rebecca

I thought I would send you an email, as I know that you feel very upset today with the news that our medical doctor has not recommended you as fit to adopt, as your BMI does not satisfy the criteria of 35 or less. I thought by sending an email you can read with your husband, so that you both have a clear understanding of the issues, and then call me when you are ready if you have further questions. I will still send you the official letter notifying of the medical outcome within the next week.

I have searched your records and spoken to relevant staff to try to clarify why you were not sent a letter last year when you submitted your medical in May 2010, as I did not work here at that time so have no prior knowledge of your application. My inquiries have revealed that it appears your medical was not sent to our doctor. I have been told that this was at a time when the officer who processed left, and there was a gap in replacement for a few weeks. That seems to be why you were not sent a letter. I apologise on behalf of our unit, as appears was an oversight at that time.

However, you should know that because your BMI was over 35 at that time as well, as recorded on the medical report you sent in from your own doctor, that the same outcome would have occurred as now when your medical has been resubmitted - as your BMI is still over 35. I know that this does not make it right that your medical was not sent, however the outcome would have been the same, that of notification that your BMI is over 35 and not approved as fit to adopt. Also your husband's medical issues were also occurring and have only just been resolved, with his approval as fit to adopt, so you would have had to submit a new medical as you have as are re-done every year during the application process.

Staff have also informed me that at the Information seminars applicants are told about the BMI requirements, and are asked to speak to staff for further information if they think that this may be an issue that will impact their assessment. I cannot speculate on why you have not understood this medical requirement to adopt.

Please do not hesitate to contact me to discuss further, and again I am sorry if you have not considered the BMI requirements before now.

Kind regards

Hang on, you guys stuffed up. You admit you never sent through the medical report, which I paid money for, followed the correct process, and you did nothing with. You didn't advise me then, at the proper time, that there was an issue. So this whole year, we have believed that my medical was accepted as 'fit to adopt'. If we were told then, it would still have been frustrating, but I could have done something about it! Instead, due to their stuff-up, we have wasted a whole year of our time and money on this, not to mention the stress of Murray's application issues.

But what do you say to me? That I have not considered the BMI requirements before now!!!

Are you kidding!!! This is the first time it has been mentioned!!! How can I have 'considered' the requirement if I didn't know it existed until yesterday!

Furious.

BMI for adoption in WA

2011-08-03T08:22:00.001+08:00

I've been doing some research on BMI limits in WA, to try and find out where the hell this weight limit has come from and what our options are.

The most recent review of Adoption in Western Australia had a section on BMI

4.3.2 Use of Body Mass Index (BMI)

A persons BMI may be relevant in assessing whether the person is physically able to care for and support a child until the child reaches 18 years of age. Currently, a persons BMI is considered as part of the medical examination report provided by an applicant to the Honorary Medical Panel. The panel may seek a specialists opinion where there are concerns. Following this, the panel will provide a report on the persons overall health to the AAC as to the persons medical fitness.

Committee’s analysis of the issues and findings

The committee acknowledges concern from some that using the BMI discriminated against those who are obese. However, the committee considers BMI is a relevant factor to be taken into consideration as part of a persons assessment and is satisfied that the AAC does not have arbitrary rules in relation to the use of BMI. Each individual case needs to be considered on its merits. As was recently acknowledged in Parliament, no applications are rejected solely on the grounds of weight. Rather applicants are not approved on the basis of failing to meet the criteria set out in s.40.(which states that the applicant has the physical and mental ability to care for and support a child until the child turns 18). The AAC appears to be properly informed by the medical panel on issues relating to BMI as part of a holistic assessment of a persons physical capacity to parent a child until 18.

Link to Legislative Review Report

I don't know what that means for us, the report is four years old now, but surely factors other than BMI are more important? For crying out loud, I have run three triathlons in the last two years. I help out with three littlies next door. I am freaking capable of running around after my own child. I don't imagine I am going to die before I turn 43 (when the child would turn 18). And who's to say that somebody with a BMI under the 35 limit wont get hit by a bus tomorrow, or be diagnosed with cancer, or have a heart attack? So angry and upset, I just cant think straight right now.

Kick in the guts

2011-08-02T15:22:00.001+08:00

I spoke to Adoption Services an hour ago. At this stage the medical panel wont recommend me for adoption because my BMI is over the 35 limit.

The kicker is that the legislation has no mention of a weight limit, nor does any paperwork in the process so far, nor has anyone mentioned this in our workshops or numerous phone calls and face-to-face meetings.

The other thing mentioned was that they would want my doctor to also provide more information on my depression. I questioned the adoption coordinator as to why my initial medical report was accepted with no questions at all, when my weight and depression were all a part of the initial medical report done in April last year. She couldn’t answer me. She also couldn't tell me why I hadn't been told about the weight limit and couldn’t point out where it was written in any of the documentation.

This was my big hope, the thing that has kept me going. My heart is in a million pieces right now, and I am not coping at all with this new hurdle. How many things can be thrown at me? I can't get my head around the losing weight, the time and effort and energy expended that I will need to put in, I cant even imagine me at the weight they want me to be at. There is such a mental block with my weight, something I can't lift.

We have the option to continue with the adoption process, but we were advised that the full adoption panel rarely, if ever, approve applicants who are not recommended by the medical panel, and she suggested that we put it 'on hold' for now. Right. I feel like I've spent the last five years 'on hold'.

I can barely breathe.

IVF Update

2011-08-02T14:06:00.000+08:00

Day 6 today - had a blood test this morning, estrogen levels are baseline still at <150, which I expected. Dr has given the okay to up my Gonal-F dose to 75iu, and have another blood test on Friday to see if that makes any difference. We'll see...

Here we go again

2011-07-29T15:42:00.000+08:00

We have started another IVF cycle, number 14, in the attempt to finally get to egg collection. Our doctor thinks it is unlikely that I can get to EPU using any protocol other than IVM, but considering only my old clinic does that protocol, I want to exhaust all options and attempts at my current clinic first.

Honestly, I am exhausted before we have even begun. We are trying a flare cycle this time which is different to what we have done before. I am using Lucrin for the first time from Day 2, and back to Gonal F after using Puregon the last couple of tries. However our FS has me on SUCH a low dose - 37.5! I think he will realise that this is way too low and up the dosage at some point. First blood test is next Tuesday, with my first scan likely to be next Friday.

We are crossing our fingers, that we make it to egg pick up, but you just don't know what is going to happen. I am hoping that, if things don’t go to plan, we may be able to convert to IUI (obviously that is if I am not over-stimulated or with a gazillion eggs). I just have a feeling that I will under-stimulate on such a low dose, and at least then IUI is an option. Who knows, it's really out of our hands.

In adoption news, my medical report went to the adoption GP and apparently that have some questions they want to ask. The only things that have changed from my last medical report which was accepted straight away, is weight gain over the last year (about 6 kg courtesy of cancelling the gym and fertility treatment), and finding out I have quite high cholesterol. Everything else they knew about last year, so hopefully it's a pretty simple answer they are looking for. (My Dr is already at me to start on cholesterol drugs, but I am trying to get my stats down through dietary measures first for three months). I will get a call on Tuesday when the Adoption Coordinator gets back in the office, to go through the questions the panel has for me. I just want to get these sorted out so we can actually sort the interview and assessment process!

I have a nice little cold after my darling husband had the 'man flu' all of last week. (Ladies, is man flu not the worst thing ever- men are such wusses!) Even though I'm unwell, we are heading into the city tonight for a concert at a club, (I know - a club!). One of my favourite artists, Marques Houston, is doing a one night show so I am forced to brave the wannabe gangstas-and-hoes of Perth to listen to some beautiful R&B music.

25

2011-07-22T00:35:00.000+08:00

I have officially hit the quarter century milestone! Mid-20's, just wow. I feel... old. I know, i know, logically I am not old. But these last few years have been tough, and it just feels a little strange to hit this particular milestone.

We had plans to go out for dinner and a movie tnight but Murray has picked up the dreaded 'man flu', so my bestie picked up takeaway for us, and we watched le Tour de France rugged up in front of the heater, while getting plenty of cuddles from our puppies. Overall it was a really lovely day.

I guess onwards to 30 now - surely I can't be that old!!!!

Getting on

2011-07-15T21:46:00.000+08:00

Our adoption application is back on track which I am really excited about. Because more than a year had passed since we initially submitted our adoption application, my medical report was out of date (these things take sooooooo long!). A couple of visits to the doctor, some blood tests and $140 later, my report is done and I sent it off yesterday to Adoption Services. Luckily I called up to let them know it was coming as they were about to send off all the reports to their doctor to review. They only send the reports once a month, so they have held off until Monday so that mine can go in the pile!

Once my report has been reviewed and I get the okay, then we pay our $750 application fee and start the assessment interview process! It feels like we have been doing this forever! It's been two years now since we went to our first adoption seminar.

We have also reached another milestone, although not one that is for celebrating. We have been trying to conceive for five years. Such a long time with so many ups and downs. We are doing quite well at the moment at least which is some consolation. We are off on our holiday in just 11 weeks which is mindblowing. We are also going to try one more IVF attempt in a couple of weeks, with the hope that we can avoid OHSS on a really low dose, and if I understimulate on the low dose, we can at least do an IUI, and have some shot.

Our main focus though is on getting our adoption application completed. The thought that we could become parents through adoption is really exciting, and we want to try and finish the process before the end of the year, if possible. The great thing about local adoption is that we can get placed within months, or it may take years - we don't know the timeframe. But the beauty is we are always in with a shot. Someone I know was placed with their child only three weeks after they were approved which is mindblowing! I'm not getting my hopes up too much, but we are both excited to follow this path as well.

Another exciting thing happened last week which has been occupying our time recently. Murray's sister had a little baby, their first, on June 29. William is the first grandchild for Murray's parents and is just beautiful. There have been a couple of twinges and maternal pangs, but we are really happy for them. Below is a photo from Murray's birthday on Tuesday- he loves his little nephew and it's difficult to get a cuddle when I'm competing with this little guy!

Uncle Murray and baby William

Wordless Wednesday - 11 weeks to go

2011-07-13T06:02:00.000+08:00

We will get to see the famed cliffs of Dover

Wordless Wednesday - 12 weeks to go

2011-07-06T06:46:00.002+08:00

We will walk the halls of Cambridge University

Options

2011-06-30T23:01:00.003+08:00

Mo commented below about something I have been thinking about for a while. Trying to get out of the box - what are the other options we can pursue? I've thought of nearly everything (I think), from the possible to the ridiculous.

- Try one more time at IVF at concept with Dr Thompson (already doing)
- Change Drs at Concept (possible)
- Move clinics to do IVM (Weight limit and cost)
- Try a completely different clinic and protocol (again - really?)
- Progress our local adoption application (already doing)
- Apply for fostering in WA (issues with working fulltime, possible)
- Apply for international adoption as well as local adoption which we have already started ($$$$)
- Having an embryo transfer of donated embryos while we are in Europe in October (unlikely)
- Flying to Colorado or Montreal to see the world leaders in IVF for a last-ditch effort ($$$$$$$)
- Having someone be a surrogate 'off-books' (illegal)
- Have someone be a surrogate legally (but that's not the problem, and we would have to use donor eggs anyway)
- Get an egg donor (I cant put someone else through IVF for my sake, and my eggs themselves are fine damn it)
- Moving to another country to be eligible for free IVF (some UK counties, part of Italy etc - a serious consideration at this point)

- Give up. (And die)

I'm not sure what the right answer is anymore

déjà vu

2011-06-29T13:58:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was our review appointment with our specialist. He didn't have good news for us. He says he doesn't think IVF will work for us as I am constantly fighting ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome each time I use Gonal F or Puregon. The past three cycles have all been cancelled due to my high estrogen levels, and he said he just isn't willing to take the risk of OHSS and take me through to egg collection, even with all the other control measures like cabergoline and albium in place. He openly stated that he is conservative, and when I pushed him to go ahead with an egg collection even if I was at risk of OHSS, he said he would not do that, and that, while he hates to do it to a patient, he will have to relinquish me as a patient.

I think I was in a fair bit of shock at that point. He wasn't rude or abrupt about it, it was just very matter of fact. After absorbing what he was saying, we talked about what other options we have. He is happy for us to have one more attempt at IVF (at our request), on the lowest possible dose of FSH, along with Lupron rather than Orgalutran. He doesn't think it will help as my body is so temperamental it will either not respond at all on that dose, or still go crazy with the OHSS risk - both resulting in a cancelled cycle. But we have nothing to lose trying it. Cancelled cycles cost very little, only a couple of hundred dollars out of pocket, and although there is a physical and emotional cost associated with it, I still believe that if we can just get to egg collection, we will fall pregnant.

There is another option which we discussed. Dr Thompson has suggested that I return to my old clinic, Fertility Specialists WA, and go through In Vitro Maturation there. It is the only clinic (that I know of) in Australia that is using the method, and I have been through it twice before. It will basically guarantee us to get to egg collection, which has been the issue. The reason we were unsuccessful in the past with IVM is due to Murray's poor sperm quality etc, and now we have a donor, that is not an issue. But there are still other road blocks. FSWA charge more than my current clinic. It is further away, and not generally open on weekends like Concept is.

But the biggest sticking point is that they have a BMI limit of 35. If your weight is over a certain limit, then the clinic will not treat you. It’s déjà vu. Back when we first started treatment at FSWA, I was told I was too fat for treatment, and so I went all out and did everything within my power to lose weight to meet the BMI limit. And I did it. I know it can be done because I did it then. But it was freaking hard - beyond hard. I am over the threshold. Thanks to a lack of exercise, and comfort eating, and fertility treatments, my weight has ballooned and I have hit a BMI of 41. The thought of having to do all of this to then go through all of the fertility treatment again… I don't even know where to start.

I am in the too-hard basket. I don't know what to do.

Wordless Wednesday - 13 weeks to go

2011-06-29T06:46:00.003+08:00

The most famous painting in the world

Wordless Wednesday - 14 weeks to go

2011-06-22T06:46:00.003+08:00

The palace of Versailles fascinates me - I can't wait to see it!

The Plan

2011-06-15T21:41:00.000+08:00

So this is The Plan. Capital Letters indicate this is a Very Important Plan.
The Plan is actually a three-pronged attack.

PART ONE
I am going to see my GP on Saturday morning to update my medical report to submit to the adoption panel so we can start the assessment process. Now that Murray's medical report issue is finally sorted out, mine is out of dte. But by next week we will have submitted everything and make the $750 registration/assessment fee, and start the process to determine whether we are fit to be adopted parents.

PART TWO
I have an appointment on June 28th to see my fertility specialist. I'm clearly not happy with the situation that we have ened up in. There has to be something we can do to get me to egg collection successfully. I believe that if we can get our embryos, we will fall pregnant from a frozen transfer. But three cancelled cycles has meant that I don't trust my body anymore. I am researching different protocols as much as I can to bring ideas to my doctor for him to consider.

I did call my old clinic to discuss the possibility of doing IVM there. They were very positive about it, and it would be my preferred option, but they have a strict BMI limit of 35 which I am nowhere near at the moment. Which leads me to the next part.

PART THREE
I know my weight is a factor in all of this, I don't have my head in the sand. I have previously done a LOT to address this, losing over 20 kilos in 07/08 to get my BMI to 35. But it was hard. And I mean HARD. I essentially have to control every meal and exercise five times a week to get any results. That might seem extreme but between the PCOS, insulin resistance and metabolism, it is hard to get my body to do what I want it to. And even when I did all of that, guess what. It didn't make an iota of difference to IVF success or restoring ovulation. Fertility treatment, being busy, attending uni at nights, and laziness has meant eating habits have slipped and the weight is back plus some.

But I am going to give it a shot. I am hoping to get involved in some team sport, and start jogging to get my fitness up, with the aim of losing seven kilos before our trip in October. Seven kilos is big enough to notice a difference, yet small enough to not be too intimidating. Four months also allows me time to do things properly and not crash-diet.

I have to know within myself that I have done everything within my power to get us our child. And losing weight is part of that.

So that is The Plan.

I don't know if it will work. I am still fragile. Raw. Wounded. But I have to hope. What do you have left if you have no hope?

Giving up.

2011-06-14T14:04:00.000+08:00

It was the end yesterday. It was the first time I have honestly thought that I couldn't go any further and that we wouldn't have a child. In the past I believed that even though now wasn't the time, that it would still happen sometime. And yesterday that disappeared. I don't know if we will ever have children. It kills me.

But today, something happened. I held my friends little baby today and soothed her until she went to sleep. And I realised I can't give up. Not on this.

Over and over again

2011-06-13T15:31:00.000+08:00

E2 - 5100 uP from 1300 on Saturday. LH at 15. Many follicles on both sides, the biggest at 10 and 15mm. And another cancelled cycle.

Body fail

2011-06-10T15:53:00.000+08:00

Hormones are currently at 750 up from 150 on Monday but my follicles haven't grown much at
all, still nothing bigger than 8mm on both sides. AND my doctor wants me to drop my puregon down to 50iu because of the fear of ohss. Fantastic. Not. Back to the clinic for another blood test in the morning. Just the kind of news I need before my uni exam tonight.

I am starting to get stressed. The fear that this cycle will be cancelled is always with me.

Wordless Wednesday - 16 weeks to go

2011-06-08T06:45:00.004+08:00

We will pay our respects at Anne Frank's house in Amsterdam

Day 6 - OHSS Prevention

2011-06-07T12:21:00.002+08:00

Injections, blood test and ultrasound were done this morning, of course making me an hour late to work. Somehow, even with only 5 people on the ultrasound list in front of me, there was still an hour wait to be seen. My annoyance faded though once I was in the sonography room, as the nurse spent a lot of time completing my request to count and measure every follicle (usually at day six at this clinic they just do an estimate of how many follicles there are and only measure the lead follicle). As of this morning I have 12 follicles on my right side around 6-7mm and 10 follicles on my left side measuring 6-8mm. I'm assuming I will be coming back in on Thursday for another set of bloods and a scan. Just hoping that my E2 levels aren't too high at this early stage!

Speaking of high levels, for all my bravado about risking hyper-stimulation, I should clarify that I really don't want to end up with OHSS. It sucks. Really badly. Although the memory has faded, I remember feeling so out of control and hating how sick I felt. So I don't want to be reckless about any of this - no extra drugs, making sure I do exactly what the doctor says. But when it comes down to a choice between the chance of a baby and zero chance of a baby, I have to take the former, no matter the short term pain and discomfort. I just hope I am able to stick to that decision later on- or that I am even given the choice to continue.
I'm starting to trawl through different journals and look at studies that focus on OHSS to try and come up with a game plan for how I can get through to the egg collection successfully. Even if we end up with a freeze-all situation, I will be ecstatic, and happy to allow my body to calm down before proceeding with a frozen embryo transfer. Any advice or experience in this area would be greatly appreciated!

Day 2

2011-06-03T13:42:00.000+08:00

Thank goodness for long weekends! I've had such a busy morning today, I am so glad I decided to take the day off! I went into the clinic this morning to pick up my drugs and do my annual HIV/HEP blood screen done (apparently you need to repeat them each year). I had a grumble to the nurse as once again I am not happy with the dosage I am on - only 100iu Puregon each day. I have asked the nurse to speak to my dr to up it to 150, hopefully I win that battle.

I am willing to do whatever it takes this cycle. I know fertility clinics are conservative by nature but they have to understand that I am at the point where it is time to take risks. I am willing to risk one week of physical pain (potential OHSS) against the months and possibly years of depression and emotional anguish of having a cancelled cycle, or not having any embryos to transfer. Some people get it, some people don't. But that is the point I am at. I don't say it lightly - I remember what OHSS was like and I don't want to get it. But I am willing to take the risk, and that is my decision to make.

While I was waiting to do my blood test, the scientific director of the clinic popped in and introduced himself to me, offering his assistance where he can, and also asked if I was interested in participating in a study during my treatment. I am all for research, so I am now participating in a study that examines the link between infertility, infertility treatment, stress

And in other related news, we got a letter from Adoption Services stating that they have determined Murray to be 'fit to adopt'! So a year after we initially had our medical reports done, they have worked all the mess out and we can proceed to assessment when we are ready. Well except the slight hiccup that because it has been over 12 months since I did my medical report, it is out of date and they want me to do another one. We have decided to just hold off for the moment until we know the outcome of this IVF cycle, and then I will do the medical and we will decide whether we are ready to start the assessment process.

All in all, a productive day! Murray and I are headed down south for the weekend, not for a romantic getaway, but for a weekend packed with sport! It's State Youth Games which is where a bunch of young people from churches across the state get together to play sport, mingle and worship! I went for the first time last year and this year I am the church organiser which has been nuts but lots of fun as well. My itinerary this year involves ultimate frisbee, touch rugby, bocce and mixed netball - a rather eclectic mix I admit. My only concern is how COLD it is going to be. I guess winter well and truly has arrived!

And so it begins

2011-06-01T18:45:00.000+08:00

I got my period about an hour ago, so we are all systems go for IVF round 13. I will call the clinic tomorrow to let them know, and go in for a blood test and to pick up my meds on Friday morning, which luckily I have off work. Then I am spending all of the long weekend down in Bunbury, helping out with our church's State Youth Games team. Hopefully I don't scare anyone with all my injections!

I am scared. The moment I realised my period had arrived, I just got this overwhelming feeling of 'oh my goodness, I don't know if I want to do this anymore'. It's the fear that we might get to the end of this and have nothing. But you know, the payoff if it works is going to be incredible. So it's a game of risk and odds. The risk of success = around 40%. Scale from 1 to 10 of how awesome it would be = 20 gazillion. So let's play. We are all in.

Things I am looking forward to this year

2011-05-30T08:10:00.001+08:00

With the year nearly half over, I have been thinking about all the things I have to look forward to in 2011

Visiting Paris with Murray in October - the city of love

Trying IVF again. While it is going to be stressful, we feel like now is the right time, and remain hopeful


Going to see the final Harry Potter movie. We have bought tickets for the midnight opening screening on Murray's birthday

Getting a new little nephew in June

Cheesecake adventures

2011-05-28T17:06:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow is my sister-in-laws baby shower, so today I have been busy in the kitchen, getting everything ready for the day. My first adventure was to make a cheesecake. Now I have made cheesecake before once, and while I really liked it, I wanted to try and do it more 'my way'. My way involves basically making a cake without a recipe and figuring out what works! So here it is - a low-ish fat, yummy lemon cheesecake.

The base
To make the base of the cheesecake, I used a blender to crush a 250g packet of Milk Arrowroot biscuits.

I popped the crumbed biscuits into a small bowl, and after sifting out the chunky bits, I added about 150g of melted butter and mixed them together to create the biscuit mixture.

Using one of those super-duper flexible molds rather than a tin or pan makes my life much easier when it comes time to take the cake out later. Use your hands and a spoon to get the mixture flattened out and up the walls of the mold, and then pop it in the fridge to cool.

The mixture
Cream around 350g of Philly Cream Cheese in a small bowl.

I started mine in a large bowl but it was too big for my purpose so swapped to the small bowl half way through. Once the cream cheese is soft and creamy, mix in a 400g can of low fat condensed milk slowly. I squeezed two fresh lemons, heated up the juice and added a packet (3 tspns) of Gelatine to the mix to help the cake set. (I have made a similar cake before without the gelatine for a vegetarian and it was fine, just a personal preference.)

Make sure the mix is combined properly with no big chunks of cream cheese at the bottom (one of my newbie mistakes the first time I made this!) Pour the filling into the base and neaten the top up. The cake is ready to eat in a couple of hours or the next day.

I'm not a huge cook, but this really is an easy one and very impressive when you need to take a dish to a party. Essentially it's a base cheesecake, you could add berries or passionfruit to the filling just before you put it in the base to create different variations. If you have a go at making this, let me know how you went!

You are getting very very sleepy...

2011-05-26T19:50:00.001+08:00

So what's going to be different about this cycle to every other cycle that I have done. I have tried acupuncture in the past, and quite possibly I will give that another shot this time, at least in the couple of days before and after our embryo transfer.

Something different that I have done recently is Virtual Reality Therapy, which is a specific-type of hypnotherapy. Essentially it is guided relaxation, with blackout goggles and headphones, with a tiny tv screen in front of your face. After a few sessions with the full kit, I now have a CD which I listen to at night, or when I am feeling stressed. Just something about it makes me immediately able to relax. I have always had trouble with meditating and relaxing in the past, so it has amazed me that this really worked for me!

In addition to the relaxation and acupuncture, I also want to put the word out to my christian friends, to pray for me. I believe in the power of prayer, but to be honest I never thought of asking others to pray for me, thinking it to be something selfish, or asking too much. Recently somebody came up to me at church and told me they had had an urge to prayer for me on a particular issue that I had never mentioned, and it gave me such an incredible lift, and I realised that this is what God is about - ask and you shall receive. So here I am asking for your help, to not only lift my desire for a child to God, but also to pray for my physical and emotional strength during our treatment.

For non-believers, positive thoughts would also be appreciated. Just knowing that we have such amazing people around us - family, friends, people near and far, who care about us and want us to succeed, well, it means more than you can know.

Languageses>en GoogleDicCE

éste, ésta, esto, este, esta, tan

Back into the lions den

2011-05-23T15:54:00.002+08:00

How quickly this year has gone. I feel like it was only yesterday that we took down the Christmas tree (actually it was only last month - oops!). Time has drifted by, carrying me along with it. So many things happening all at once. But once these things are done, there will be peace and rest. Uni is nearly at exam time, and then a break for a month. My sister-in-laws baby shower is this weekend, and then the baby soon after. We finished our three month mandated waiting period for counselling and had our final counselling session on this weekend just gone, so no more stress about whether it would be approved etc.
So here we are, ready to throw ourselves into the lions den again. Depending on how long my current cycle it is (blood test indicated I was about to ovulate on Saturday), we will start IVF again using our known donor next month. I am scared, nervous, fearful of hoping, yet not able to stop the hope creeping in. This is our shot, quite possibly our last stim cycle. We have had such a long break from treatment with my last cancelled cycle in September last year, and I haven't had an egg collection since September the year before, 2009.

We are also extremely lucky that Murray's parents have agreed to use their credit card to make the upfront IVF payment, and then we will hopefully have a decent tax return to pay them back in July *fingers crossed*. Without that, we would not have the resources to pay for another round of treatment.
This time is going to be different. We are using a known donor who has had success in the past, so we have proof that it can work. I know I can fall pregnant, my body has done it before. Now it's about connecting the dots, having faith, and keeping my sanity at the same time.

The Big Day Out

2011-05-15T22:56:00.000+08:00

Today we went for an adventure!

We went for a walk.

We saw lots of other people walking.

We had our photo taken!

And now I'm sleeping, Goodnight.

A new look

2011-05-14T19:51:00.000+08:00

As you may have noticed (or may not have if you use RSS or google reader), my blog has had a complete overhaul. I have loved my scrapbook style for the last 18 months, but I felt like I needed something fresh and new, but also something a little simpler. I have to send a huge thank you to the beautiful Sass from Moozoo Designs who turned my vision into a reality.

The tree in my header is a representation of my life, seeing beauty in simple things, the different areas and branches of my life, all of the different colours. The solitary nature of the being a tree on it's own, yet still strong.

I took some inspiration from my favourite American and included a verse that inspires me, actually a bible verse that has kept me going for the last couple of years.

You can also grab my blog badge, or contact me with my new social media badges - look how pretty they are! Not sure I will keep my followers listing up though. Don't get me wrong I totally heart all of my followers, and want lots more, but I always feel it is a bit of a competition, and would rather not let myself get distracted by that. I blog for me, not for numbers, but you knew that already.

I forgot how uplifting a makeover can be! My tip for the day - go and do something different. Pop some lippy on, try a new hairstyle, go out for dinner, have a picnic in your backyard - get out of your comfort zone! You might surprise yourself with how good you will feel afterwards. I am off to bask in this new found happiness, and going for a late night waffle run with Murray - Happy weekend everyone!

For a good cause

2011-05-12T22:25:00.000+08:00

Today I said goodbye to my wedding dress. I'm a little bit sad and have shed a few tears, but I am also excited about the dress's next adventure in a different part of the world. My church is involved in mission work in Zimbabwe, particularly with refugees there, and they have helped in the set up of a wedding hire business that the women run. The idea is that the women become self-sufficient by running thier own business, and it has been so successful that they are also able to support a local group of orphans with the funds.

So my dress is now on it's way to Zimbabwe, where a disadvantaged woman will have the opportunity to wear a beautiful dress on her special day. That makes me feel pretty darn happy.

Mothers Day celebrations

2011-05-07T07:39:00.006+08:00

So Mothers Day is tomorrow and of course it raises a range of different emotions in me. The first thought is for our little Vanilla, who should be here with us now. But while remembering her, I am trying not to let that bring the tone of the day down.

We are just about to head out for brunch to see murrays family so I had better run.

Happy mothers day to the mums out there. Enjoy it :-)

Not enough hours in the day

2011-05-05T19:39:00.000+08:00

Do you ever feel like you are doing so much, but not really getting anyway? I'm having one of those weeks where I feel as if I am exhausting myself by doing everything but not actually achieving anything.

I have an overdue uni assignment sitting over my head that I KNOW will make me feel so much better once its done, but every time I have sat down to start it, my mind goes blank and can't do it. I have skipped one of my uni lectures because the thought of cramming more new knowledge in my head is intolerable. I haven't walked our dogs for nearly a week and they are climbing the walls as a result, adding to the pressure cooker.

Besides all of this though, I had a real breakthrough spiritually. Becoming a youth leader at my church has really given me the prompt I needed to refresh myself in my faith, which is a pretty amazing thing. Enough gushing about that, I am praying that this renewed faithfulness will spill out into the other parts of my life, because I do feel quite bogged down wiht everything else.

One of my friends questioned the other day whether or not she should stay in uni, and she had a whole range of valid reasons. Usually I would be the first person to say tough it out for the greater good, but you know, I think what is happening right now is just as important as what may happen in the future. I am contemplating dropping down to studying only one unit next semester rather than studying two like I have been for the last few years. Yes it means my degree will stretch out by an extra semester, but the added pressure is having an impact on my wellbeing. I would love to have just one day a week where I can come home, lounge on the couch, and not have to be somewhere or doing something. Spending time with my husband and dog-children would also be a significant bonus!

Apologies

2011-04-30T19:19:00.000+08:00

My sincere apologies. I didn't mean to get so inebriated. But I am. Our friend announced that they are pregnant with their second baby. Their first little girl was born the same week that our little girl was meant to be. I am really in struggle town. But there isn't much I can do. I can only put it before God. I know not all of you believe, but I do. I know that God can change this for us. But it has to be his will. I pray that it is his will. Because I don't know what is going to happen to me if it is not his will.

dull the paun

2011-04-30T15:14:00.000+08:00

Today started like any other day. It is my best friends sisters birthday today and I was looking forwsrd to the day [ lots of cake, lots of fun. Then we got a call from a friend. His wife is pregnant. It's amazing the difference one phone calll can make. I a know drunk. It is the only way cn dull the pain right now....... I don't know how i have even typed a coherent message as i hiccup y way through the day.\\\

I want a baby. I cant say it any better than that. I thought I was okay, but clearly I am not. Oh dear.

Cluck cluck

2011-04-28T14:36:00.001+08:00

I fear that my cluckiness has returned. With a friends four month old that I see practically every day, the dozens of newborns at Church each Sunday, and preparing my sister-in-laws baby shower, I seem to be confronted with babies everywhere. And I am yearning, physically desiring a baby of my own. As Yoda might say, the reproductive urge is strong in this one!

It's not just me though. Murray is fawning over our friends little girl. He picks her up now with no reticence, swings her from side to side, and is even confident enough to hold her when she cries which he never used to do. He came home the other day and said how, although he has always wanted a little boy, he would be even happier for us to have a little girl. How he can't wait for my belly to be full with our baby.

Murray's 'other woman'

I tease myself by looking at prams as they pass by, able to tell the make and model like men do with expensive cars.

We lie in each others arms at night, comforting ourselves with our dog-children and each other. And we are eternally grateful that we have each other. We are grateful to live in the 'lucky country', lucky to be healthy, lucky to have our families, so every lucky in many respects. Yet we are still not whole.

Our final donor counselling session is three weeks away, after which we can start IVF. Each day takes us a step closer to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Letters to my child

2011-04-02T13:14:00.000+08:00

Back in 2008 when we were doing IVF, I started writing a series of letters to our future child. At the time it was a way of keeping hope alive. I came across them today while doing a clean up of our online files. While intensely personal, I wanted to share them. They do make me hopeful, and keep me looking forward to the day when we meet our child, however that may happen.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Sunday 2^nd March 2008

To my child,

You are yet to be conceived, just a twinkle in your Mummy and Daddy’s eye, but I feel a deep connection to you already. I don’t know how far away you are, hopefully right around the corner, but yet I know you could still be months or years away.

I wanted to tell you how much I am looking forward to meeting you and being a part of your life. I also wanted you to know how much you are, and always will be, wanted.

This month we start our third cycle of fertility treatment. Lots of blood tests, injections, and invasive procedures are ahead of us, in our quest to have you. I am not telling you this to guilt you in any way. I just want you to understand exactly how much we wanted you to join our little family.

I hope that one day you will be able to read these letters and they can help you understand our decision making processes. I don’t know if any of this even makes any sense, or if I am just a silly nutter. But I love you already, before you are even conceived, I love you and that will never change.

All my love,

Mummy

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Tuesday 22^nd April 2008

To my child,

Unfortunately our last IVF cycle didn’t work, so we are still a little while away from meeting you.

I have been dreaming lately about what you will look like. Will you have a cute little smile and chubby face like your Daddy? Or bright blue eyes like your grandad?

I have your nursery all planned out for when you arrive. We have already bought a cot and change table for you in anticipation of your arrival. The nursery has been painted a pale lime green, with a pretty blue accent. And if you are a little girl, I will add a touch of pink so you can be a princess, if you are a little boy, then I’m going to add an elephant mural to the far wall!

I want to buy lots of books for you, so that we can sit down and spend time reading together. Reading can be lots of fun and I want you to enjoy reading as much as I do.

Well, I should go and help your Daddy make dinner.

All my love,

Mummy

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Friday 13^th June 2008

To my little son or daughter,

Another IVF cycle has passed with no success, I guess you didn’t want February to be your birth month – are you going to be more of a winter baby instead? I don’t mind, whatever month you choose is fine by me, as long as it is soon.

Mummy and Daddy love you very much and can’t wait for you to be part of our lives. I wonder what you are going to grow up to be. Perhaps you could be a doctor or a nurse and help save peoples lives and make people better when they are sick. Or a tradie, fixing peoples plumbing or electrical wires. You could work in an office like your Mum or be a teacher like your Dad. You might go to university or TAFE or you may find the perfect job straight away, or join the army like your Uncle Daniel did.

You’ll like Uncle Daniel – he is very tough, he will be able to show you how to make things, drill holes into walls, teach you how to skateboard.

Mummy and Daddy are off to have lunch now, but we think about you every day and what our life is going to be like. I hope we are good parents to you.

All our love,

Mummy

#ausblogcon2011 debrief

2011-03-27T17:12:00.000+08:00

It's taken me a while to sit down and write this all down. I've been avoiding it, partly because I didn't have the best of times, partly because I am just exhausted.

So here goes - short and sweet.

Everybody at the conference had a love for blogging which was amazing. Everyone had their own particular style and point of view which was great to see.
The place was filled with mummy bloggers. I am not a mummy blogger. Ergo I felt very out of place. It would probably have been better to market the day as a blogger meet up, or alternatively a mummy bloggers conference. Lessons for next time I guess.
I met some awesome people. Emma, Janelle, Kirrilly, Fiona,and they are just the couple I can find links for right now.
One session in particular was awe-inspiring - hearing Lori speak. I had tears in my eyes as she spoke - the strength and courage of one woman alone made the trip worthwhile. I didn't meet Lori at the conference, she was the belle of the ball and had plenty of other well-wishes, but it was worth going alone to hear her talk.
Going off your meds for a week is not a good idea. Especially when said meds keep you sane and your moods level. I ran out of my ADs the day before my trip and didn't have time to get a new script. I am slowly getting back to normal but lesson well and truly learnt.

As I mentioned before, the main the thing that I got out of the day, was a realisation that I am okay sharing who I am. I don't need to pretend to be something that I'm not. I don't want to advertise on my blog or do sponsored posts. More power to those who do, but that isn't what this blog is about. What this blog is, is my heart on a sleeve. It's the awful thoughts you dream in the middle of the night that you need to write down to release their power. How you feel envious and sad when a friend announces her pregnancy. It's about raw emotion as it comes. I don't want to censor that - it's not who I am.

The one thing I repeatedly heard at the conference is that people don't talk about their children, or family or partners because, "that's not my story". Now I definitely believe in protecting your children and if you are private person, protect your anonymity. But all of that is my story. My brother stealing from my Mum and I? That is my story. My relationship with my husband is my story. My emotions at other peoples fortune and misfortune - yep, my story too. And that's what I blog about. Believe me, there have been times when I have wished I didn't say something when someone else has read a post and been hurt. But this is me being honest to myself about myself. Sometimes that is painful. If you don't want to be in my head, don't read my blog. But if you do, be prepared for what you might read. It's not all pretty.

The night before the conference, my brothers girlfriend found my blog; I am assuming from all my references to #ausblogcon2011 on facebook and twitter. She sent me an email that was remarkably mature in nature.
In essence it said that she was hurt by some of the things I wrote, but that she 'got it'. Some people won't get it. But either respect it or move on.

I did leave the conference with a mustard seed of an idea that I want to grow over the coming year. It's not so much a business idea, as a way that I can give back, and hopefully build my 'brand' at the same time. More coming when I have firmed things up some more.

For now - I am back in business.

Blogging

2011-03-24T14:16:00.001+08:00

Just a quick one to say I am still alive and that I will update soon (yes I know at abc 'they' said making apologies for not posting is a blogging sin, but the beauty is it is my blog and I can say what I want!).

Briefly I have mixed reviews from the conference - met some lovely people, had a bit of a time of it after skipping my meds, and felt like a loner in parts. But all part of the learning experience.

Biggest thing I learnt, or more accurately I recognized, was that I am a very open blogger. Very open. And you know, I am okay with that.

It's finally here!

2011-03-18T20:26:00.000+08:00

I am currently sitting in my hotel in Sydney! I have spent the last three days visiting my aunt and cousins in Canberra which has been great fun. I hadn't had the chance to meet all the new additions to the family, so it was great to catch up and really spend some time with them all.

Then this afternoon I caught a rather turbulent and tardy flight to Sydney. I am here! I am also a tad tipsy courtesy of the @naffnangAU meet and great drinks! Several cocktails later and I am rather chirpy and a tad sleepy - the alcohol is doing my no favours!

Unfortunately I am stuck at a rather dingy hotel - it certainly looks nothing like the brochures! (Will name and shame another day). Am really looking forward to the conference tomorrow. Originally it was all about catching up with my girlfriends, but my too blog bbf's weren't able to make it, so my main goal now is to really think about what direction I want my blog to head in. Oh and also to get a little drunk :-)

Will be live blogging and tweeting as the day goes on - check out @fakedelight and #ausblogcon2011 on twitter for updates!

Hope you are all well - off to bed I go!

Stereotypes and the definition of family

2011-03-12T11:09:00.001+08:00

First let me say, how cool is getting your groceries delivered to your door. Awesome. Makes life so much easier. So when a little survey box popped up asking me to rate the service of the site, no problemo - go ahead. So off I go ticking boxes, when I get to the 'statistical data' section. Male/Female - fine. Household income - fine. Then the next was Which of the following best describes your household situation? Nothing tricky there I thought, let's just tick married with no kids and be on our way.

Oops. Nope that's not an option. I can only be "Young Couple, no children". Okay so I can fit that. But what about if I hit 30 and we are still infertile? Do I suddenly not exist if I don't have children? There are no options for people without children, for anyone not defined as 'young'. Yeah oops.

The offending survey answers

Is this how we society frames us - that if we don't have children, we are of no consequence, no value?

From Miall, 1986:

The United States and Canada are still strongly pronatalistic societies despite long term declines in their birth rates and average family size. Two traditional fertility norms continue to be widely accepted in North America: (1) all married couples should reproduce and (2) all married couples should want to reproduce (Veevers, 1980:3). It is within this context that Veevers (1972) conceptualizes childlessness- whether voluntary or involuntary-as a form of deviant behavior in marriage, a violation of prevailing norms of acceptable conduct. When cultural norms and values encourage reproduction and celebrate parenthood, childlessness becomes a potentially stigmatising status which can adversely affect the identities and interpersonal relationships of married persons.

Twenty five years on and the stigma is still there. It might not be in the same overt way, but subtly throughout every day life, we experience it.

Self concept

2011-03-11T20:20:00.001+08:00

Self Concept: In class uni examining attitudes, behaviours and personality

Being a 'good wife'

2011-03-08T21:14:00.000+08:00

A friend of ours recently approached Murray and asked him if our relationship was okay. His concern was that I dominate Murray and don't treat him very well at times. That I am too bossy and dictate what we will do and how we will do it. That Murray's self esteem is being eroded by my attitude towards him.

My first reaction was to laugh. I know I am bossy, and moody and temperamental and high maintenance. But almost immediately after the laughter ended, was the thought that this is how people perceive me. As an overbearing, narky wife who doesn't support her husband. Who doesn't love him 100% and doesn't consider him her equal and partner in life. Because I do, so very much I do.

This isn't a justification of our relationship. Only Murray and I know exactly what our relationship is like. I believe our friend was trying to help, trying to intervene before something happened like with my girlfriend and her husband. But it has got me wondering, what sort of marriages other people have, and are we really that 'abnormal'?

Some people barely every fight with each other, and only talk very calmly, even in the midst of a major disagreement. Others scream and fight over every small thing, but make up just as quickly. Many subscribe to the adage of never letting the sun go down on an argument, while others can hold a grudge for weeks and months. Some women (and men) withhold sex as a punishment. Others use more subtle techniques to get what they want - the old 'plant an idea in the males head to make them think it was their idea from the beginning'.

I think the main thing is that you are in the relationship for the right reasons - love, friendship and fidelity. However we choose to express that love is up to us.

Oh and the friends advice? He suggested throwing what I would call a 'mantrum' - smashing a glass against a wall and then staying at his Mum's for a few days. Rightio then.

Break ups

2011-03-01T15:37:00.001+08:00

One of my good friends has just had her husband leave her. Completely out of the blue, he decided that he didn't love her any more and that their marriage was over. They have a gorgeous two year old girl and have been married for three years.

I am in shock. This is a man who doted on his wife and daughter. Like every couple They had their ups and downs but nobody would ever think that they wouldn't make it. She doesn't know if there is some one else, if he has felt this way for a particular reason - nothing.

Another of my friends broke off her marriage at the end of last year. Infertility damaged them badly, to the point where although she still loves her husband, she won't stay with him because he won't consider a particular fertility treatment. He has virtually no sperm but wont consider using a donor. Bit the issue isnt that he wont use a donor, its that he Won't even discuss it, won't say why he doesn't want to use it, simply won't even broach the subject with her. My friend is 40 and is now making the decision whether to give up her dreams of a child or go it alone.

I feel so blessed to be with Murray. We found each other early in life and married young. We have battles but we fight them together, without turning on each other. When times are tough, we offer support, not harsh words. We celebrate the good times together as well. He is my best friend and I wouldn't want anyone else.

For all of our misfortune with infertility, I wish everyone was as lucky as me in love

Aussie Bloggers Conference

2011-02-24T17:02:00.000+08:00

Something I am very excited about that is nearly upon us is the Aussie Bloggers Conference!!! Australia's version of Blog Her - we are finally getting a chance to meet with our fellow bloggers from around the country.

I will be flying over to Sydney mid-March to meet up with some of my gorgeous friends in the blogosphere, as well as hopefully making new friends with some of the fabulous bloggers in attendance.

I have to admit that I do feel a little intimidated about going. After all the target audience is the "mum, parenting and personal bloggers". I fit into the personal bloggers category sure, but aren't I the anti-Mum, anti-parenting blog? Plus all the other fears when meeting new people - will they like me, am I too fat or unfashionable, what if they don't like my blog? I guess we will find out come March!

Recovery part 2

2011-02-23T19:02:00.000+08:00

After feeling like I was nearly fully healed, I am back to being in pain. I went to a concert on Sunday evening and I think that may have exacerbated the pain that I am now feeling. It feels like a combination of the 'full ovaries' feeling before you go in for egg collection, along with the pain after your egg collection = Double whammy! It gets worse when I have anything in my bladder. Not sure if I shoould call the doctor to ask for advice? The only thing I can think of is that it is from doing to much running around on the weekend. Maybe? Who knows. Just hope it disappears soon.

Otherwise nothing much is happening. I am back at uni next week which is exciting. I have officially passed the half way mark in my degree, with 13 of 24 units now completed. I can't wait to one day be in my cap and gown, graduating! That is the main thing that keeps me going now. I'm studying two very different units this semester - organisational behaviour, and managerial accounting. Hopefully I can transition back to study mode easily enough.

Recovery & cooling off

2011-02-21T20:34:00.000+08:00

A week on from my operation, and I am almost back to 100%. I had my stitches removed on Friday by my doctor, and the wound sites, while still sore, aren't debilitating like they were for the first couple of days. Over all I would say the operation was tougher than a normal egg collection, as you have both the cramps and pain from your ovaries on the inside, as well as the incision sites on the outside.

We had our group counselling session with P and his wife on Saturday. I think it went really well. Touched on a bunch of subjects from how much contact we would like with each other once a child is born, having our kids know each other and that they are related to each other etc. The first thing P said to us was that the possibility of us donating embryos back to them was just complicating the situation, and they want to treat this as a completely altruistic decision, without worrying about that situation. Their main concern appears to be that they wouldn't want the embryos destroyed, and if we decided that we no longer needed the embryos because we had finished our family, that we would donate the embryos to them or another couple. We are in complete agreement, we would never destroy embryos (our religious beliefs preclude it), and we are very comfortable with that. Having that all cleared up has really helped us move forward with the decision.

Murray & I both felt really positive coming out of the session. WA law requires us to wait for 3 months as a cooling-off period to make sure that both parties are still happy with the arrangement, and then we go back for another individual and joint counselling session on Saturday May 21st. So the countdown is on. If the worst happens, and P decides not to be our donor, then we still have access to the anonymous donor sperm that we were previously going to use. However our preferred option is to go with P.

We are planning to do an IVF cycle in May or June, finances depending. Things will be tight financially but this is important to us, so we will make it work. Once my body is healed completely from the procedure, I plan on getting back into some exercise, to get myself nice and strong for our next round of treatment. #twitfit seems to be all the range so I will jump on board!

Ovarian Drilling

2011-02-15T00:04:00.000+08:00

Happy Valentines Day to those who celebrate - I hope you all enjoyed a nice day with your significant other. Some people complain about Feb 14 being a 'Hallmark Holiday', or something that is overly commercialised and meaningless. I couldn't disagree more. I think Valentines Day is the same as any other day, but it reminds people to appreciate your partner, something which so often gets overlooked in the daily grind. It also gives men (and women) permission to be gooey and thoughtful which isn't always encouraged (especially for 'manly' men). I am lucky, I quite often get flowers 'just because', or a foot rub at the end of a long day, or taken out to dinner for some us time. Today was no exception - Murray bought me a beautiful bouquet of orange liliums which are now taking pride of place in my lounge room.

Besides being Valentine's Day today, it was also surgery day. I was so nervous this morning, I worked myself into a fair state, getting only 2 hours sleep before we had to leave for the hospital. Once I was admitted to the day surgery wing, I spent some time with the anaesthetist preparing a plan for nausea, as I tend not to react well to general anaesthetics. There was a lot of waiting around, which gave me time to read my medical file, conveniently left at the end of my bed. I discovered that the anaesthetist for my surgery was the same one I had for my D&C back in 2009. I mentioned that to him later and he said that he was glad to be able to be helping me out today.

After I was wheeled into theatre, I had a quick chat with my Dr who was remarkably upbeat considering our history. He suggested that we do a dye test while I was under which I agreed to, and also asked him to have a good look around as I hadn't had a lap done previously. He was happy with that, so under the anaesthetists spell I went. (I forgot how painful the drugs are they put into your system - my arm was killing me!)

I woke up in recovery fairly well, although my eyes were blurry the whole time which was getting me a bit panicked. Once I got back to my room I slept for a fair while, and Murray brought me my gorgeous flowers (Isn't he a good man!). Unfortunately I started to get a lot of pain in my incisions, and after two hours of the pain, the nurses finally realised that they hadn't done my drip properly so I had no pain relief in my system - ouch! If I wasn't in so much pain, I think I would have had a few choice words to say!

Dr Thompson came past to bring good news. Apparently my pelvis is 'pristine' and my tubes are all clear which is positive news. The drilling went well and he even took some photos of what they were doing so I could see! He made three incisions, one in my belly button, and two along my bikini line (one centre, one left).
In the early afternoon, one of the nurses tried to get me to walk to the bathroom, but I got there and nearly passed with intense nausea and dizziness. Got back to bed and the shift change must have happened because the next nurse wanted to try the exact same thing only half an hour later. I don't think so! Later on I managed to walk to the bathroom with Murray being my human crutches, and passed the slightest bit of urine, which was good enough for the nurse to send me home. I felt very hurried, like I was being pushed out of the hospital as quickly as possible (the nurse grabbed my bag and clothes and started handing them to me to put on without asking or anything), so I made sure I pushed back until I felt ready to leave.

Since then, I have been lying on the couch, alternating between sleep and watching tv. The bikini line incisions don't hurt too bad except when I am trying to stand after sitting, but the belly button stitches hurt like nothing else. An intense stinging pain ALL THE TIME! I am only on paracetemol at the moment, I was given Nurofen Plus when we left the hospital, but I don't think I need the codeine, so will stick with panadol for the time being. Going to the toilet has been another unenjoyable experience! I got quite a shock wiping the first time to find myself blue courtesy of the tube dye!

So from here, I have to see my doctor in his rooms on Friday to have the bikini line stitches taken out. We had our known donor counselling on the weekend (another post coming - promise), and apparently we have to wait three months before we can proceed with that, which gives me some time to recover, get an idea of if my cycles will start to regulate by themselves, and possibly lose some weight. Looking at doing an IVF cycle in May/early June and then see where we go from there.

So it is done. For all my protests about doing the surgery, at least we are actively doing something to move forward. At worst, it is another thing we have tried and can check off our infertility list. And maybe it will do something for me. Who knows?

A visual aid courtesy of my Dr

2011-02-14T23:19:00.000+08:00

My ovaries after the drilling

Off to surgery

2011-02-14T06:03:00.000+08:00

I can't believe it is already Valentines Day. Or as it is known in my land - surgery day. Today I am being drilled. Or at least my ovaries are. Oh dear, I don't think I can write about this now, I am so freaking nervous about today, I cant bear it. No more blogging until it's over, otherwise I will just think of everything that can go wrong.. Just your prayers and thought please. Will try and update tonight on how I go.

Lusting...

2011-02-11T21:27:00.000+08:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about what my dream home would look like. It all started when I was going through my usual Sunday morning routine - reading the new homes section of the paper. I was flicking through the different plans when one caught my eye. Often you will find a house plan that looks great in one area, but doesn't meet what you want in another area. Sacrifice the kitchen for the perfect bedroom layout? Amazing lounge room but tiny dining room? But I have found my (realistically priced) dream home.

And here it is...

Rear main bedroom, central kitchen, separate facilities for guests off the alfresco area. My heart melts...

Of course the most important thing is what you put in the house right?

A girl can only dream...

These are a few of my favourite things...

2011-02-10T23:12:00.000+08:00

Oh and now I have that song stuck in my head. And probably in yours too. Sorry about that. Not really but anyway, moving right along.

Today I am being a lightweight. Rather than a proper update (which I swear will come soon), I am thinking about my favourite things - people, hobbies and just stuff in general that makes me happy.

My favourite bloggers
Lion Jumper
What have I stepped in?
Life of the Bees
iWrite
Miss Ruby

My favourite things

And with that, I am off to bed. Pleasant dreams all

What's the point?

2011-01-22T17:06:00.000+08:00

After a few comments on the blog, I sat down and tried to work through some things in my head. I was getting quite down about it all, and those negative feelings were influencing how I was thinking about the whole donor situation. So let's break it down.

Someone has come on my blog, and said that people know who I am, where I work, and who P is. What I would like to say in return is - what is your point? Is that meant to be a negative comment? Is having a donor meant to be something to be ashamed of? Or is it meant to be an attempt at intimidating me that people at work will know about our situation?

I'm not sure I see any positive out of that comment, but let's try and take it that way for a minute. Good point - people do know who I am. I have never hidden who I am on this blog, I don't use an alias, I make my email and facebook details available for people to communicate with me, I share intimate details of my life and conception journey. But I know all of this and am comfortable with it.

I was even featured in the major daily WA paper on our IVF treatment when we were lobbying against cuts in government funding for fertility treatment. Half page photo, with my name and intimate details spread for the world (or at least the city) to read. Instead of snide comments or negativity, I instead received emails of support from over a dozen people at my workplace, supporting me and telling of similar stories that they or their friends had been through. So I do have experience with my workplace knowing my story.

The only other thing I can assume you are inferring is that P will be identified through my blog. Firstly P & his wife both have the link to my blog. Secondly P's wife also has an online presence through a local message board, so is aware of how 'heart on the sleeve' the internet world can be. And thirdly, if you hadn't read the initial message, while we don't plan on shouting it from the rooftops so every employee knows our situation, we don't have an issue with people at work knowing.

I don't know who you are. I have some idea but whether it is the person I am thinking about or not, ask yourself - why are you here? Are you here to be supportive? To check on my progress? Do you wish me the best? Or are you here because this is how you get your thrills, seeing us have to make emotional decisions, watching us as we experience the pain of childlessness. If you aren't here to wish me well, I would say to you - Look at yourself and the person you are and if this is the person you want to be. I can't stop you from being here and reading my words.. But you can.

If there is another point to your comment that you would like to make - go ahead, please. I am taking this as a blessing in disguise, as it has given me the opportunity to work through some things in my head and made me stronger in my resolve to continue blogging, openly and honestly.

Through the last two days, I kept thinking - What's the point? What is the point of the anonymous comments, the baring of my soul on this blog, the pain, the fragile times, the emotions, the lot.

So what's the point?

The point is that we know our child is out there. Whether through adoption, IVF or naturally, we know that God has a plan for us to be parents. So whatever is thrown at us, it is worth it. It will all be worth it.

A meeting of the minds

2011-01-20T23:30:00.000+08:00

We met with P & his wife today to talk about the possibility of P donating sperm to us. Murray & I were both really nervous leading up to tonight, and I was about 50/50 whether or not we would accept the offer. Once we got there though and we met his wife and little boy, it calmed us down and we were able to have a really good conversation about everything.

My main two concerns were that firstly we could still work together professionally without it interfering. We basically decided that at work things would still be normal, but if someone asked the question, or if either of us wanted to divulge at work, that we were okay with it. But as a general rule it would be our business not anyone elses.

The second thing is that they are comfortable with having an ongoing relationship with us and the child, not formalised as such, but just a general understanding that if our kids want to spend time together, or know more about backgrounds, that is okay. They were happy with that which is good. My main reason for wanting a known donor over an unknown donor, is that if you go the anonymous route, the revealing of the donor details at age 16 or 18 becomes this big event, something that is built up through a child or teenagers formative years, and then it becomes a big deal. Whereas if our child knows its biological background from the beginning (which of course it would anyway), but specifically being able to see a photo of the person or ask questions etc, then it's just part of their life story.

We talked a bit about P's family, their interests, genetic history etc. P has a very musical family apparently, he is also a bookworm and comes from quite a smart family. He is originally from South Africa. His wife and him love water sports, and often go scuba diving and snorkelling. They tried for 12 years to have their little boy, and they used a donor egg to have him along with P's sperm. He does have late-onset diabetes in his family and has eye strain, neither of which worry us.

Before their son was born, P decided to become a donor through their clinic (which also happens to be our clinic), so his sperm has already been tested, quarantined and they have been through counselling, which means the usual three and six month waiting periods aren't required for us. However we will still need to do a counselling session together as it is a different scenario to anonymous donation, and they are very happy to do that.

There is one catch to all of this. They have said that they offered for altruistic reasons initially, but they are also wanting to try again for another baby which means they need to find an egg donor. They would like us to consider that, if and when we should fall pregnant successfully and give birth, that we might like to donate some of the remaining embryos to them to try to conceive. They have said that that would only be after we had a baby, not while we are still trying.

I was a little taken aback at first, but after thinking about it, it honestly sounds like a good idea. I have always said that I wanted to donate my eggs after I completed IVF, and this lets me kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. The only real issue it raises is that if we both fall pregnant, that our children will be full-blood siblings. I probably need to speak to a specialist counsellor or find someone to talk to who has been in this situation, because while I can't see any major issues with it, there may be things that I haven't considered that could be issues there. (PS - if you know of anyone who has done this - please leave their details below - Ta!)

They made it clear that the egg donation was not a condition of them donating sperm, it was just something to consider.

We have talked it over, and we will talk some more over the coming weekend just to make sure we aren't getting swept away with everything, but so far so good.

The plan at this stage is to do set up counselling appointments over the next three weeks, do the ovarian drilling, and then do DIVF in April.

Wow - a new plan in less than a week!