Thursday, 31 May 2012
I know a few people commented with concerns about my 'obsession'. I truly have been blessed in my life, I know that. I live in a free country, have married a wonderful man and have a great family. But there is a giant child sized hole in our life and hearts, and yes- that has left me at a point in my life where the one thing I can't have, I desire the most. The thing is, just like everything in my life, I am going to go after what I want. And I don't do things by halves. I put my everything in. That's just how I roll.
Tuesday, 29 May 2012
Had a meltdown at the pathology clinic this morning, resulting in me yelling at everyone in the waiting room. I'm sure it will be funny once this black cloud lifts.
Have come home from work early so I can mope in peace without running behind the bookcases to cry my eyes out.
I'm ready for happiness. I just wish it would find us already.
Sunday, 27 May 2012
My head is pounding and I'm upset, but I suppose I should never have expected anything different.
So onto Plan T, or is it Z? I've lost count. Another frozen transfer of a donated embryo. This time I'm going to ask them to grow the embryo further to make sure it is still expanding, and then if it doesn't keep growing, we will use the day 5 embryo instead. I don't know if it's even worth doing.
Maybe I should admit defeat and wake up to the fact that I'm not going to be a mother.
Saturday, 26 May 2012
Friday, 25 May 2012
Wednesday, 23 May 2012
Monday, 21 May 2012
Saturday, 19 May 2012
It was thawed at midday on Friday and as a day 2 embryo it was 3 cells. Ideally it would have divided again and become a 6-8 cell embryo by today but it was still at three. The embryologist explained that it was still not a full 24 hour period, but that the fact that it hadn't continued dividing wasn't a great sign.
We were given the option of either continuing with the transfer as we planned and give it a chance in my womb, or waiting to see if it would develop further over the next few days and try to grow it to blastocyst (not likely to happen) and then defrost the blastocyst that we have in storage to use that instead (of course assuming that it defrosts okay).
We decided to go ahead with the transfer anyway and went along to the clinic. I got dressed in my fancy pants scrubs and while we were sitting outside of theatre, the embryologist came by and saw us to chat about everything. She basically repeated everything we had discussed on the phone, and then casually dropped the bomb- only 5-10% of these type of embryos (ones that haven't progressed but haven't officially arrested) work. I don't know if that is 5-10% of the normal success rate (30%) or 5-10% success rate overall. Either way it is low, really low. To be honest if I knew that was the stat when I got that phone call, I'm not sure I would have made the same decision.
Murray and I looked at each other and I felt tears pricking my eyes. I managed to hold it together and we headed into theatre together.
So there I am, spread eagled on the table with my gynecologist knee deep doing his business, when he asks me when my last pap-smear was. Thinking it was just one of his routine questions, I tell him that I was last year and he asks if he I had ever had a result come back other than all clear. So now my brain starts ticking- what the heck is wrong! My very first pap smear was abnormal when I was 18 and I had to have a colposcopy. Eventually I was diagnosed with HPV and CIN level something, and had to be closely monitored for a few years. So I'm explaining that while all the embryo stuff is going on, and he asks me if there is a family history of cancer! Now I'm extra freaked out - my Mum had gyno cancer very young at 37. After all of that he says to me, oh, well your cervix is a bit red and now it's bleeding, so don't worry, it's not your uterus and cervical bleeding won't affect implantation. The whole event left me rather confused and I'm not sure if I should be going for another pap smear or if you just wanted a detailed history so he knew what he was looking at!
So back to the transfer, we had our three cell embryo transferred and my pregnancy test is on Tuesday 29 May, so at least it is not too long to wait. I am spotting a fair bit but my Dr said that would be from the irritation in my cervix and not be a factor at all. I am managing my expectations - its not impossible that this cycle could work, but it is unlikely. I guess the only other thing in our favor, however improbable, is that we had sex after my trigger injection and I had four eggs prime for ovulation, so you could consider this a double whammy- timed intercourse and a guaranteed embryo transferred into me. Certainly better than what we have had in recent times.
We have my beautiful nephew Jack with us tonight which has been such a nice time. We had a play date with our neighbours and went out for lunch with Murray's sister and parents. We have watched the footy on tv together, and tomorrow plan on seeing my Mum for her birthday. I love spending time with him. It helps ease the pain a little.
Friday, 18 May 2012
Thursday, 17 May 2012
Things weren't pleasant between us for most of the day, but you know what, we both just said sorry and decided to move on. I was furious - eye popping angry that it could have ruined our chance for the transfer, but it takes so much out of you being angry, that I just didn't want to be angry at him anymore. So I wasn't. I've never really been able to do that before - just decide what emotion I'm going to feel, and do it. Maturity perhaps?
Anyhow, we are both being extra nice to each other tonight and we are off to the cinema to watch 'The Dictator' - something funny to make us laugh and spend time together. Hopefully my stress levels recede with the laughter too.
Monday, 14 May 2012
Sunday, 13 May 2012
Saturday, 12 May 2012
Friday, 11 May 2012
Thursday, 10 May 2012
We had a great time last weekend at the Perth Wildcats MVP ball. This is the second time we've gone to the ball and this year had a 1920's theme which was great to dress up for. Murray and I went with another couple and had such a blast. They even had those photo booths were you jump in and get a strip of photos - they were hilarious!
And here is the evidence!
|Me, Murray & our mate Craig|
Friday, 4 May 2012
Thursday, 3 May 2012
So there are three embryos which we will be using, all from different couples. So here's the rundown of the information we have about the embryos...
- Female 33yo, Male 30yo, married couple
- Female 166cm, Male 178cm
- Ancestry - Dutch, German, Russian, Australian, English, Irish!
- Female - blue eyes, blond hair fair skin
- Male - brown eyes, brown hair, olive skin
- Female 35yo, single woman using donor sperm
- 5 foot 4, 93kg
- Green eyes, blonde hair, medium complexion
- Medical practitioner, post grad education
- Donor is 27yo, has brown hair and brown eyes and works in human resources
- Female 32yo, married and used donor sperm
- Caucasian, 5 foot 4, brown hair, brown eyes, olive skin
- Italian/ American background
- Male donor has brown hair, grey eyes and is an engineer.
We have to use the embryos in that order, but to be honest I don't have any preference for certain characteristics over others anyway. The only preference I guess I have is that of a blastocyst over day 1 & 2 embryos but that is about success rates, not what our potential child will look like.