Monday, 26 December 2011

Boxing Day

Christmas was really good this year. Bar half a glass of champagne at breakfast, I haven't been drinking or overindulging with food, which I think has helped keep my spirits high and away from depressive thoughts.

We had a lovely breakfast at my Mums place to start the day, followed by a visit with my brothers family. All 5 kids were there and it was great to be Aunty Bec, giving out lots of presents! Then we trotted off to Murray's family for the big traditional lunch. We had a bit of a near miss when the chair Murray was on broke and he fell back and hit his head on a brick wall! Rather sobering at the time, but he was okay and now we have a funny story to tell for future Christmases!

I was very spoilt for Christmas with lots of thoughtful presents. Murray gave me a tagine to cook Morrocan food (which we both enjoy), and a custom made canvas with a photo and my favorite bible verse. I cried my eyes out when he gave it to me, it was just incredibly thoughtful. I've also picked up a smattering of body products, cash, handbags, jewelry and chocolates from family! Very spoiled!

Today we went to my sister in laws house for her husbands birthday. I also ducked out to the shops for the Boxing Day sales and used my Christmas cash to buy two beautiful Leona Edmiston dresses. We also looked after the two little boys who lived next door for an hour tonight so their parents could watch a TV special in peace. It was actually really nice to do normal parent-like things, it does make me happy, regardless of how I've been feeling of late.

Right now I am reclining on the couch watching replays of the NBA Christmas day games with Charlie draped across me having a nap. Surely nothing can top that?

Saturday, 24 December 2011

Merry Christmas

Just a quick one as I will be busy tomorrow, but wanted to wish you all a wonderful Christmas with your friends, families, loved ones and partners.

We are off to my Mums in the morning for breakfast, then to my brothers place to catch up with him and my nieces and nephews, then to the in-laws for the traditional big lunch.

Please stay safe and have a great day x

Sunday, 18 December 2011


My back is still in a lot of pain, but it is slowly improving. Lots of slow walks, changing my posture when I sit and stand, and trying to relax rather than tensing in anticipation of pain is helping to gently fix things, along with physio nearly every day. While I don't wish this on anyone, at least it has been a distraction from the end of our fertility treatment. I've put all my feelings about it in a box to deal with another time. I'm scared that if I open that box now, I will become too overwhelmed.

This last two weeks, I've realised that my depression isn't as under control as I thought it was. It's certainly not at the level it has been when I'm not medicated, but I have moments that are breaking through of dark thoughts, darker than I have felt for a long time. The physical pain of this injury doesn't help, I've always had a low tolerance for pain, and pain adds to my poor disposition.

Trying to get through the haze.

Thursday, 15 December 2011

Sore and sorry for myself

Lucky me has hurt my back. Somehow I have hurt my sacroiliac joint, connecting my pelvis and back. It's been debilitating- I've barely been able to walk, let alone stand unaided. It's finally starting to get under control thanks to a compression belt and lots of physio, but I am so exhausted from dealing with all the pain and being an invalid. 

I got my period on Monday. So it's over properly. One day at a time.

Sunday, 11 December 2011


I am meant to be at a first birthday party right now. For a beautiful little girl who I love to death, and even made her birthday cake for today. Instead I am at home in my bed, hiding from the world.  I'm not coping. 

I thought these IUI's would give me a little bit of hope and a feeling that we are actually doing something.  Logically I knew the odds were against us, but somewhere along the way, the hope became too much, and now I am shattered.

Shattered because this is the last treatment we are doing now. We are on the public waiting list which Could take years, if they even take us because of our multitude of IVF, my weight and whatever other curveball will be thrown our way. Adoption is out due to my weight, we can't afford IVF let alone surrogacy which has been my latest thought. And 5.5 years down, we are still in the wilderness.

Shattered because I always believed that somehow, someway, we would be parents. To a real live human child. And I'm not sure I believe that anymore. My heart is broken.

So I am hiding. I am coping only by separating myself from the world. Scratch that, I'm not even coping then. The thoughts running through my head are ugly. I need some time out.

Saturday, 10 December 2011

Not pregnant

Is there anything left to say?

Saturday, 3 December 2011

Nothing new

This week has been extra long.  Work has been exhausting, three days of audits has drained all my energy.  But now I am in weekend mode.  I went and did my grocery shopping (the quietest place to be on a Friday night), finished writing the last of my Christmas cards, watched a movie with hubby (Red Dog - a fabulous movie - I cried like a baby) and am now off to bed.

We have friends coming over for dinner, so I will get my chef on tomorrow - veal parmigiana with potato cakes and roast vegetables followed by homemade apple pie. We are also going to head out and try and find a real Christmas tree to decorate. I've never had a real tree before, we have a great fake one that usually goes up, but I want something a bit different this year.

I have Monday off work so I am looking forward to a lazy sleep in and running some errands, and Tuesday I am doing a defensive driver course for my work. Even though work is so busy, we do have a lot of Christmas functions coming up which will be nice.

Today is 6dpiui. I don't think I'm pregnant but stranger things have happened in the world.  I have rung my clinic to get an update from the donor coordinator on where we are on the embryo donor list.  I'm happy to wait for the public IVF even though it is 18 months away, but I'm really scared that I'm not going to be able to shift the weight I need to be eligible for treatment and I need to have other options so I am prepared for the worst.

Anyway, trying not to get bogged down by infertility at the moment, just everyday as it comes.