Thursday, 9 September 2010

Cycle 41, Day 1, ART Cycle #12

And we are at this same, scary place again. Ready to embark on treatment, nervous about what lies ahead. There are feelings of anticipation, of hope of what 'might' be. But a lot of apprehension as well. What will be, will be.

Today is the 1534th day since we started our journey to conceive. That many days spent almost lusting over something that you don't have control of has not been good to me. It has changed me. For those that have read for a while, you know about my depression, anxiety attacks, and rollercoaster of emotions that we have gone through. But I have changed on a deeper level than that, and I'm not sure I will ever be the same again. I have a deeper appreciation for other peoples feelings and suffering. I am much more aware of saying the right thing, and more importantly, not saying the wrong or insensitive thing. It's about not taking the easy road, bringing up tough subjects, but also being a good friend. I hope I am being a good friend.

Another change I have experienced is about how I judge other people. Everyone likes to claim that they don't judge people, or that phrase 'no judgement'. But all of us judge, it's what we do with our judgements that shows who we really are. If somebody asks me what they think, I will be diplomatic, but as long as I think the person can handle the truth (it isn't going to harm or cruelly hurt them), then I will be honest and give me opinion. I have strong values and beliefs, especially around my faith in God. There are certain things that are non-negotiables to me, most importantly the sanctity of marriage. I am happy for people to disagree with my views, and am more than happy to have the debate, or leave it happily alone. But it means that when my friends are doing something which I believe is immoral, I need to make a decision about whether I will enable that behaviour, say something, or break the friendship. In this case my friend approached me and we discussed it and I think we have both moved on from it better for the conversation. In the past I would have been too scared or too over-the-top, or too-something. Now I can just take it for what it is and deal with it for myself.

I need to be me. Rach had a great post recently about discovering herself, and I feel like that is slowly happening to me. Not in a flash of lightening, but slowly, gradually over the last few years, it feels like everything has happened for a reason. All the pain that we have dealt with has happened for a greater purpose - to help me understand who I am, and to build my relationship with Murray. I am starting to get my head around it.

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