Monday, 29 December 2008

Google Reader

First let me say that Google Reader is my friend. It's so cool to be able to know immediately when a friend has updated their blog, saving me from endless visits to websites when they might not update for a week (like I often do - sorry guys!)

However today I have spent the better part of the morning culling my blog list. I used to read close to 90 blogs and have now brought that number down to 40. I did it for a number of reasons, but I guess the main one is self-preservation. So many of the women that were going through the same thing as me when I joined the blogging world have now moved on to fall pregnant and have children. I don't begrudge them for that because, hell - that's what we all want to happen! And I'm so glad it happened for them. But especially reading those bloggers that I'm not as close to, and hearing about the wonderful things their babies are doing - well it just seems like I'm a glutton for punishment.

Don't worry, I'm not going to start ignoring you all. Fact is, if you've commented on my blog, you're not the one that I'm talking about.

OK if that wasn't the most roundabout blog I've written, i don't know what is. Let's just finish by saying I love you guys and I don't think I would have gotten through the last 18 months without all of your support. It has been amazing :)

Thursday, 25 December 2008

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope that you all had wonderful days spent with those that you love the most.

It is days like today that I treasure being married to a truly wonderful person. The joy of waking up with somebody you love and feeling them against your body, drawing them in for a hug and then holding hands while walk to the Christmas tree - it makes me want to keep going. Not just trying for a baby, but it gives me a purpose in life, even if sometimes that purpose gets cloudy and hard to see.

My hcg levels are back to zero. Im not sure if we will do our FET next cycle, I am going to rest and wait to see how I feel. For now I want to enjoy spending precious time with Murray.

Tuesday, 23 December 2008

My weekend

We went to see Alicia Keys in concert on Saturday night which was really lovely. It was 18+ only at a winery which was nice to be in adult company and not be consumed with thoughts of children and babies. It rained a little bit but we came prepared with ponchos and a sleeping bag for over our heads! We decided to get regular tickets which meant we were a mile away from the stage, but it was still a great experience and I felt really lucky to be spending time with my husband.

Being the first time I have been able to drink in a long time (not in a treatment cycle or TWW), I decided to live it up and drank the better part of two bottles of Sauvignon Blanc Semillon. Unfortunately at 4am the next morning, I paid for that with a messy trip to the bathroom... no details necessary!

Some photos from our night out :-)

Us enjoying our night out

A rainbow after it stopped raining.

Jordin Sparks performing as the support act - great voice and really down to earth.

Sunday, 21 December 2008

Christmas and other stuff

I have been doing okay this last couple of days. It's been very up and down, but we have managed to get through it. I am still very sad but it does get slightly easier each day. My blood test was on Friday and my hcg is down to 16 but they want to monitor me until I get to zero, so I have another blood test on Christmas Eve. I'm still bleeding but the cramping has died off thank goodness.

Christmas is turning out to be really hard. Tonight we went to Carols by Candlelight and there were gorgeous kids everywhere, running around being, well, kids I suppose. And we had afternoon tea with my best friend, her husband and their beautiful daughter. Yesterday we gave our christmas presents to my nieces and nephew and I just wanted to take them home with me and shower them with love. They are all so excited about Christmas being around the corner, and I want to be excited about that with my children.

It is so much hard work to keep myself together when I am around babies and children at the moment. Today I lost my temper at Murray for making a crude joke while at a friends house. Usually I would have laughed it off, but because I am putting all my energy into protecting my heart with children around, I don't have the capacity to also laugh at jokes and have a sense of humour, or to have conversation beyond a superficial level, or really just be a good friend and wife.

We decided that we wanted to remember our lost baby by doing something, and so we bought these two figurines from the Willow Tree range. They are the Angel of Healing (to the right) and Promise. It's just a little reminder for both of us of what we have had (the pregnancy), and we still have - each other.

Thursday, 18 December 2008


Our baby made it to six weeks before leaving us this morning.

Physically I am in a lot of pain, much more than what I expected. I am passing large clots which is unusual for me, but I haven't taken anything for the pain, I guess I want to feel it happening, at least then I really know that it is over.

Emotionally, I am trying to deal with a broken heart. I don't feel like Murray understands at all. He is hurting, I can tell that, but he is able to live like normal whereas I can't. This affects every part of me and my life. I get so angry that he isn't falling apart like I am. Doesn't it kill him that this is happening?

Monday, 15 December 2008


I really never thought that I would be in this position. To know that you are pregnant and to also know that you will not be having a child from that pregnancy - it is heartbreaking.

My beta today was 44 which is an increase on Thursday, but not high enough for the pregnancy to be viable. I have been directed to stop my HRT meds and wait to miscarry naturally. My next blood test is on Friday to see how my levels are going and if any intervention is required.

I have been having what I think is morning sickness - terrible nausea when I go to bed and wake up in the morning through until lunch time. To have that feeling that I would do anything for, but then knowing that you are only kidding yourself, that you wont be pregnant for long.

My heart goes out to all women who have ever experienced a loss. I have always felt sympathy, but never truly understood. Now I think I am starting to get an idea.

Thursday, 11 December 2008


My beta was 21. I am pregnant but it wont last.

Apparently they have never had a successful pregnancy from a beta of 21 before, 26 yes but not 21. I have a repeat blood test on Monday to check if my levels are going down or if they need to do something about it. Feeling like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and I can't breathe. I was prepared for a negative result but not this.

Friday, 5 December 2008

Guessing game

Why do I do it to myself. Just tested negative at 7dp5dt. Murray is devastated. I'm frustrated. What else can I do?

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

2ww update

So today marks 4dp5dt or 9dpo. I have zero symptoms which I have to decided to take as a good sign, after every other transfer I have had bad cramping. I'm feeling a bit better than I thought I would be at this point with all the stress around me. I guess the thought that we still do have one embryo left, even if we can't afford to use it!, is comforting. I am just blocking out the drama with my brother until I feel ready to deal with it. There is no point upsetting myself over something that I have no control over.

I have been keeping up my acupuncture which I hope will make the difference this time round. I had a session in the morning before my transfer, then on Saturday and today. I also have two more sessions booked for Thursday and Saturday. The place I go to is quite expensive, but I feel that they really know what they are doing, and hopefully.

One thing I do need to watch is over-doing it. Even though I am not exercising or going to the gym, I have been doing a lot of running around at work and a heap of housework at home. I am trying to calm myself down and take it easy, but life continues on I guess, whether you like it or not.

I have only 8 working days left until I am holidays which I am really looking forward to. My Christmas tree is up, all the presents are wrapped, labelled and under the tree, my Christmas cards have been sent, and Im making my final arrangements for present swapping brunches in the lead up to the big day.

Should this cycle not work, I think Christmas is going to be the hardest thing to deal with. I remember being upset last Christmas, telling my Mum how badly I wanted to have our child and share the day as a family, and my Mum said 'Don't worry, by next Christmas you will at least be pregnant', both of us thinking that IVF would be our silver bullet. Now that day rolls around once again, and I dream about the way I want to be able to do certain things, like preparing stockings with lollies and gifts, and reading the Nativity story before we open presents. I have all of these plans and ideas for every part of my childs life.