Thursday, 28 August 2008

So freaking hard

I'm finally having the delayed cry I need to have.

I just wish this wasn't so hard. If only wishes came true.

Wednesday, 27 August 2008


One of the guys at work at work took me aside and asked me how I was going. It took 10 years for his wife and him to conceive their daughter and they went through a couple of rounds IVF about six years ago to have her.

He was so upset for me, it made me want to cry that somebody was that devastated for me.
I think my friends and family are starting to realise what we have thought for a while now - this may not actually happen for us.

When you see IVF in the media, it's treated like the silver bullet that fixes all but that’s not always the case.

I finally got to see my counsellor this afternoon which was helpful for me, but I didn't really get to talk much about my IVF issues, my dysfunctional family took up most of the talk time.
Once of the things we did discuss was having an action plan for this cycle. The first thing I need to do is rethink the way I am approaching this cycle, stop thinking of this as our 6th cycle but as the first cycle that is going to work. Supposedly the positivity will help me get through it. I'm doing the usual exercise and health kick to get my body ready for the transfer, but I am also going to start acupuncture again. I've been reading quite a few studies recently that talk about acupuncture and the benefits with IVF both prior to and after an embryo transfer. At this point I'll give anything a go! The other part of my plan is to limit the stress around me. Unfortunately I have a stressful job so I'm never going to have it easy, but no taking work home on weekends, and cutting off contact with my brother and the other parts of my family that cause me pain. I can not deal with all of these things in my life at once, so I need to do this for my own health.

Monday, 25 August 2008

A numbers game

The numbers of my life...

Days spent trying to conceive - 789
Kilos lost to start IVF - 19
Kilos gained during IVF - 6
Injections given - 92
IVF cycles begun - 5
Egg collections undergone - 3
Hospitalisation - 1
Embryo transfers - 2
Periods of depression - 3

Pregnancies. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. None.

BFN. Am starting another FET cycle straight away so still on Progynova but get to stop the yucky pessaries. I call the clinic on Day 1 of my cycle, but don't have to come in for a scan until Day 10. I asked about transferring two embryos but the nurse said no way because of my age. I have asked for my FS to call me sometime this week. I know it's not necessarily the answer, but it could be. I don't know anymore.

Sunday, 24 August 2008

Sooky la la me

I have devoted this weekend to moping. I like moping. It gives me a sense of purpose, yet not requiring me to actually achieve anything. For the last two and half days I have worn my pyjamas, sat on the couch, watched Olympics and then bawled my eyes out.

I feel so lost over everything - will this ever happen for us? Should we give up? How do we survive financially? Should we sell out house? Should we move to Singapore/Dubai/other exciting place to distract us from our misery? Should we look at adoption even though it is hideously expensive, I am too young to apply for ICA and the wait list is 5 years? Should we hold out for the new surrogacy laws in WA to be enacted and follow that path? Am I willing to give up the dream of being pregnant even though I so badly want to feel my child inside of me? Do I drag my husband along for more treatments when he is ready to give it a break for a bit to live? Or do I put my dream on hold so that we don't hurt ourselves even further?

To all those who have visited my blog through ICLW expecting recipes, spectacular photography or some witty commentary, I apologise. All I can offer is sadness and confusion at the moment, for that is what I truly feel.

Really? I didn't know that.

It is as natural as falling in love and wanting to spend the rest of your life with that special someone. After the wedding and the thrill of having your own place, the next significant step in a couple's life is having children.

Some couples feel that they should have a baby only when they are ready. But do remember to keep this in mind; it doesn't mean that when you are ready, you can conceive at will. As and when you plan to. And that is because fertility does decrease with age. Find out more on how you can stack the odds on your side and conceive a baby.

Having a baby is an important milestone in your life. You will need to plan for it emotionally and psychologically, as well as financially. Find out more on the practical and helpful guidelines for this exciting new phase of your lives.

From my visit into Singapore cyberspace -

Friday, 22 August 2008


Another BFN at 8dp5dt (13dpo). Hopes are fading rapidly.
Will this ever happen?

Tuesday, 19 August 2008

Family sucks

Have had massive drama over the last couple of days, of course involving my dysfunctional family. Allegations have been made about my father by my brothers girlfriend, I don't want to even write the words down, it makes it too real. I've never had a good relationship with my Dad but this is just horrible stuff.

We looked after their kids last night which was really difficult. Difficult in the sense that three toddlers/babies were thrust upon us - how do you guys do it! And also hard that we had a baby in our room and it was another reminder of what we don't have.

I caved and tested this afternoon. BFN of course. Am currently 6dp5dt so the equivalent of 11dpo...

Life sucks sometimes. Let's just hope that stress really isn't a contributing factor in infertility.

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

Please introduce yourself to...

... Gidget, our little blastocyst!

I went into the clinic this afternoon to have my embyro transferred and all went well. My Mum came along with me for support because we can't have Murray taken too many days off work. It ended up being quite good, she tends to calm me down a bit. My doctor wasn't available so Dr Love (dont laugh - the love doctor!) did my transfer. Steve also wasn't available so I got to meet the other girls who work in the lab. I did get the mean nurse though who never recognises me and always makes me feel uncomfortable.

My beta is on Monday 25th August so hopefully we will get some good news then. I tried to argue to have my beta on Friday 22nd, I would officially be 14 days then (5 day embryo + 9 day wait) but they claim that they wouldnt get a reading then. Hmmm.. is that cause for doing some HPTs? I dont think I even have any tests here...

We managed to get a photo of our little Gidget on the tv screen! Having a photo of our embryo has opened up a whole new fascination for me though - googling other blastocyst pictures and comparing mine to theirs! I will need to get this out of my system soon - it's turning me a bit batty!

In other news, my work has turned into an absolute mad-house. I don't think I have ever been this stressed out before, working late and getting worked up at things. I snapped at my boss yesterday and was really rude to her which isn't like me at all. Unfortunately the job that I am in requires me to really put in a lot of hours and effort, at least until Christmas times. I had considered changing jobs to get away from it, but it is a huge career opportunity for me, and I don't want to put my whole life on hold anymore. In saying that, I do need to look after myself over the next two weeks and focus on eating well, getting lots of rest and deep breathing when I start to get stressed out at work.

A question for you all - do you do anything different in your 2WW after IVF? I have never changed anything during my 2WW while trying to conceive naturally, but after investing so much both emotionally and financially into our IVF cycles, I feel like I should really change things up a bit. I'm not going to be exercising for the next two weeks at the request of the clinic, because it is too high intensity. I'm going to focus on eating well, but should I stop drinking caffeine, no sex (lol - like that is a problem at the moment!) and not dye my hair etc? How far is too far?

Sunday, 3 August 2008

I REALLY want a baby

I just had a lightbulb moment - I absolutely completely really want a baby. Funny that huh.

After trying for a baby for over two years now, there are times when I lose focus of what it is we are trying to achieve. You get so caught up in doing the deed at the right times and making it through the next round of ultrasounds and injections, that instead of seeing the big picture, we break it down into small, bite-sized chunks.

It's probably a coping mechanism, something that we use so we don't become disheartened and walk away from it all. But some days I really need that big picture. Last night our neighbour came up to grab some pizza vouchers off of us and he brought along his 18 month old son Xander. While I went to grab the vouchers, I overheard him playing with Xander and I had one of those moments where everything makes sense - this is the reason that I am putting myself through all of this.

Obviously I have wanted a child since well before we started trying to conceive, and have been the cluckiest one out of all my friends. Even through everything we have gone through, I still collect baby bibs and toys to put away in my baby cupboard. But I think for a while now, the idea that I may actually have a baby has been so remote that I have pushed my desire to the side so that I am not disappointed and can function on a day to day basis without falling into a heap. I definitely don't want to be that dependent on my fertility to remain happy, but it's time to go back to who I am. That is someone who is hopeful - and passionate - about wanting children.