Monday, 25 February 2008

A giant mess

As per my last post, I was looking after my brothers children as both him and his girlfriend were violently arguing. Both Mitchell and Alicia agreed to this. More arguments developed today and the police were called to the house.

It came out that Alicia has threatened to kill the kids. On hearing this I felt sick. Apparently she threatened to stab them and kill them. I don't know the context of the argument but it is enough to make me never want her near those kids again.

Once again they both agreed it was best that the kids stay with me. Fast forward to 10.30pm tonight when we get a knock on the day. Alicia and her Dad were there, demanding that we hand over the kids. I said that I would need to make a phone call first and her Dad was very aggresive and decided to call the police, which was a good move.

The police were very good and helpful, they said that I had definitely done the right thing by not handing them over, and that Crisis Care (who I had spoken to earlier in the day) would come out to make an immediate assesment as to whether the children could go home with them.

The Crisis Care people have been very helpful today, just to know where I stand on everything. I have always supported Mitch & Leasha, but after hearing her threats towards the children, I can no longer do that.

The Crisis Care team (two ladies) came out and spoke to them for awhile and then came inside to say that it was fine for the kids to go home with them. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!! Besides the fact that it is the middle of the night, the kids have been fast asleep for hours, all their stuff is here, imagine what a traumatic experience that would be for the kids!

The Crisis people said that she would be monitored, and that her dad had agreed to supervise Alicia adequately. Yeah right, because he did a great job of that when she was a kid. Look how well she turned out. OK that probably is out of line but I am so angry!

So I had to drag the kids out of bed crying. They have said that should Mitchell and Alicia continue with their relationship, they will intervene, whatever that means.

My heart is completely broken right now.

Saturday, 23 February 2008

More drama

No big surprise, my brother and his girlfriend are fighting again, and this time she tried to stab him and he was pushing and shoving. She is now 36 weeks pregnant. I cracked the shits and told them that I was taking the kids and neither of them argued. Have tried not to get emotionally invested with the situation and concentrate on the kids.

I have no idea what to do now...

Tuesday, 19 February 2008

Crappy day

Another crappy day on the horizon.

I woke up with a pounding headache this morning. That's generally enough to tip me over the edge on a good day.

Then Murray and I headed to the clinic for our counselling appointment which we booked at the end of our unsuccesful cycle. When we got there though, they had no record of our appointment. BBBFB. Apparently we must have "dropped out of the system". I managed to keep my cool about it, although Murray was fuming. He has only been at his new job for three weeks, so to take half a day off was a huge deal, especially considering he will need to take a day off for the next IVM cycle.

I'm sick of our clinic making mistakes, and not having better procedures in place. I know they have only been around for a couple of years, but surely that's enough time to get their act together.

I'm going to write a letter to the clinic with some comments and suggestions. I don't want it to be a letter of complaint as such, although at least that way they have to respond to it. I don't want our treatment or relationship with staff at the clinic to be impacted by this, but at the same time, I can't deal with anymore mistakes. The first thing was too little information being provided about understimulation in our first cycle. Then they overcharged us and didn't tell us about price rises in our IVM cycle. Then the 'miscommunication' about not having any embryos frozen. Now an administrative stuff-up. Going through assisted conception is not easy at the best of times, but all of these things just make it harder to keep going.

I don't want to change clinic because for all of my complaints above, I do really like the people there, it's relatively close to work, and they are the only clinic that does IVM. But right now I am really frustrated and just don't know what to do.

Thursday, 14 February 2008

Trying a slower ride this time...

Maybe the bumper cars instead?

After the events of the last week, we have decided to go ahead with another fresh cycle next month. Although our insurance wont cover us, Murray's parents are generously going to cover our hospital costs, which makes it affordable for us to try again.

Our reasoning is that while I am in the headspace to be able to go ahead with treatment, we should do it. I honestly don't know if emotionally I would be able to cope with waiting and being unsuccessful. That probably doesn't make sense to anyone else but me, but I guess I'm the only person who needs to understand it.

Work isn't going particuarly well at the moment. I have moved to a new position which, while it keeps me busy, it is tedious without being challenging, and I get very little job satisfaction from it. I have seriously considered quitting, but the benefits of working for a semi-government company mean I just can't. I earn too much money, get long-service leave in September after only 3 years working there, and they are looking at bumping paid maternity leave up to 14 weeks or 28 weeks at half-pay. So I am just going to have to suck it up and deal with it. But there is no way I can deal with having a crappy job, and deal with not being able to do IVM. I know my emotional limits, and I am well and I have well and truly reached them. I have managed to survive my infertility in the past because my job has provided a good distraction from it all. I no longer have that to help me.

Had a blood test this morning to see if my hormone levels had increased, but they are still baseline. I had a chat with the clinic nurse, and they are concerned that my egg collection for next cycle will be around Easter, when of course most people are away. I never realised before that because IVM is so new and specialised, that only certain people can do the procedures. So only my specialist Doreen can do the egg collection, and only the head embryologist Steve can mature the eggs. Hence, it is vital that they are both around when we are doing an IVM cycle.

We considered going back to doing IVF, but decided to stick with IVM for a couple of reasons.
1- Less drugs in my system. The difference between our cancelled IVF cycle and our full IVM cycle were sooooo different. I don't think I would cope very well with having to go back to sniffing and daily injections.
2- Shorter cycle time is fantastic. It gives me confidence to know exactly when things are happening, rather than the up-in-the-air approach to IVF.
3- Because only Doreen can do the egg collectio, and only Steve can work on the embryos, it gives me a sense of security, and I feel that I get a lot of extra support from the clinic. Maybe that's my imagination, but I didn't really feel that support in our first round of IVF.

Just remind me of all those things when I am whinging about my next egg pick up!

I am glad we made a decision on what to do quickly. I can't let this stuff hang around in my head for too long.

Tuesday, 12 February 2008

Crash - Bang!

And so the rollercoaster came to a grinding halt.

I received a phone call from Steve, our embryologist this morning.
It appears that there has been some miscommunication going on.
Apparently we never had a blastocyst frozen. He claims he told us that, I distinctly remember the phone call saying (after our transfer) that one had made it, which I assumed meant that one had made it to be frozen.

No frozen blastocyst = No frozen embryo transfer.

I am devastated. I'm even more upset than with our BFN the other day. This was our back up plan. This is what kept me sane. Now we can't afford to another cycle until May.

Everyone I have spoken to says that May isn't that far away, it's only three months, I can exercise and get fit in that time, blah blah blah. I know what I am capable of dealing with, and I am not capable of dealing with three months. Not now.

I am so close to a nervous breakdown.

Monday, 11 February 2008

Back on the rollercoaster

I received a phone call from the clinic this morning, a patient had cancelled and they wanted to know whether we would like to see our FS earlier. Of course we jumped at the opportunity which is how we ended up at Bethesda hospital at 6.30pm.

Our Dr went over the last cycle which she said went very well, except obviously the end result. The only thing that she did mention was that the egg collection was quite difficult as my follicles were very small, which is why I was in so much pain afterwards. When we do our next fresh cycle, she wants us to prime with FSH for a little longer than last time, so that the follicles are a little bit bigger, which I am fine with.

I also asked the question at what point would they consider a double embryo transfer. She pretty much laughed at me and reminded me how old I was. I kept it together though, and really pushed for an answer. She said after I had three failed transfers, then they would consider a double transfer, but they don't like doing them in younger patients (under 38 years old). Aaaarrrrrrgghhhhhhhhh!!!

Financially it was a big strain on us to do a fresh IVM cycle without private health insurance coverage, we were out of pocket a LOT of money in the first cycle, so we have decided that we can't do another fresh cycle until May when our PHI kicks in. We explained that to Doreen, and we made the decision together to go ahead with a frozen embryo transfer (FET) with our frozen blastocyst. There is a chance as we only have one embryo frozen, that it may not survive the thawing process (our clinic has a 70% thaw rate), but it's a risk we are willing to take, otherwise we will just sit around twiddling our thumbs until May.

We thought we would have to wait until next cycle to begin, but as I am only on Day 6of my cycle, we are able to go ahead with our FET this cycle! Even though I have long and screwy cycles, we have decided to go ahead with a natural cycle, to minimise the drugs in my system. I have just realsied however that i have to go away for three days for work on the 26th February which could mean I need to go on HRT to control my cycle a bit more. Who knows, will have to have another chat to the clinic to discuss our options.

We are both really happy and excited about giving this a go :-)

Tuesday, 5 February 2008

Action Plan

I have come to the conclusion that I am going to achieve nothing by remaining upset, so I am trying to do what all those self-help books tell you to do, and decide to move on. While emotionally that is hard, I need to do it for myself.

From this moment on, I want to focus on being positive and working hard. I want to make sure that when we go for our next IVM/ICSI round, that I know I am putting 100% in and to do that I need to keep losing weight.

My action plan:
*Go to the gym every day for at least half an hour
*Stick to the dinner planner - no takeaway dinners
*Go to work on time, no sleep-ins because you are feeling sorry for yourself
*Give yourself a weekly manicure - it will make you feel better about yourself
*Make an effort with your appearance
*Don't beat yourself up if you slip up, just refocus on the goals ahead.

Now to stick to it. I have gone to the gym for the past three nights, and have reactived my Calorie King membership to help with recording my food intake. My goal is to lose four kilos before we start treament again, so around a kilo a week. Hopefully all of this can distract me from everything that is in my head.

The witch returns

AF has finally made it's appearance. Physically I am a wreck, I have horrific cramps like never before and a headache that is killing me. Emotionally, I am still keeping everything inside and I don't know why. Trying to be strong for Murray has taken its toll a bit. We are both booked in for a counselling session on the 19th.

Just holding it together for now.

Saturday, 2 February 2008

Reiki and my day

After the events of the last few days, it was suggested to me that I should try and unwind and go and have a massage to treat myself. Although I wasn't really feeling up to it, I went along with it and had a massage this morning. I found the whole experience to be really therapeutic. The lady who did my massage, Hannah, also did some Reiki on me towards the end of the session. I've never had Reiki done before but have heard of it previously so knew what she was doing. It was very healing for me, exactly what I needed.

I am feeling a bit better today, still not great but I will get through this. I have to. I need to focus on losing weight again, and getting myself healthy for our next attempt. This will work, I know it will.

Friday, 1 February 2008

Will the fog clear?

I feel like I am walking through a deep fog and don't know what to do or where to go. Today has been so hard to get through.

I went and had a massage to 'pamper' myself on the suggestion of a girlfriend, but ended up silently crying through the whole thing. Looked through Myer to pick up some christmas decorations at 90% off, but all that was left was 'Baby's first christmas' stockings. I thought that I would be safe in a clothing store, but the lady who served me was pregnant. Heavily pregnant at that.

I know it will get easier, but right now it just hurts.

I am trying to do my usual thing and re-organise my life. Organising gives me structure. By writing a list, if feel like I regain control of things. So I write lots of lists. A grocery list. A drycleaning list. A 'places in the world I want to travel to' list. Any list at all, as long as I don't have to think about what's going on right now.