I just had a lightbulb moment - I absolutely completely really want a baby. Funny that huh.
After trying for a baby for over two years now, there are times when I lose focus of what it is we are trying to achieve. You get so caught up in doing the deed at the right times and making it through the next round of ultrasounds and injections, that instead of seeing the big picture, we break it down into small, bite-sized chunks.
It's probably a coping mechanism, something that we use so we don't become disheartened and walk away from it all. But some days I really need that big picture. Last night our neighbour came up to grab some pizza vouchers off of us and he brought along his 18 month old son Xander. While I went to grab the vouchers, I overheard him playing with Xander and I had one of those moments where everything makes sense - this is the reason that I am putting myself through all of this.
Obviously I have wanted a child since well before we started trying to conceive, and have been the cluckiest one out of all my friends. Even through everything we have gone through, I still collect baby bibs and toys to put away in my baby cupboard. But I think for a while now, the idea that I may actually have a baby has been so remote that I have pushed my desire to the side so that I am not disappointed and can function on a day to day basis without falling into a heap. I definitely don't want to be that dependent on my fertility to remain happy, but it's time to go back to who I am. That is someone who is hopeful - and passionate - about wanting children.