Sunday, 3 August 2008

I REALLY want a baby

I just had a lightbulb moment - I absolutely completely really want a baby. Funny that huh.

After trying for a baby for over two years now, there are times when I lose focus of what it is we are trying to achieve. You get so caught up in doing the deed at the right times and making it through the next round of ultrasounds and injections, that instead of seeing the big picture, we break it down into small, bite-sized chunks.

It's probably a coping mechanism, something that we use so we don't become disheartened and walk away from it all. But some days I really need that big picture. Last night our neighbour came up to grab some pizza vouchers off of us and he brought along his 18 month old son Xander. While I went to grab the vouchers, I overheard him playing with Xander and I had one of those moments where everything makes sense - this is the reason that I am putting myself through all of this.

Obviously I have wanted a child since well before we started trying to conceive, and have been the cluckiest one out of all my friends. Even through everything we have gone through, I still collect baby bibs and toys to put away in my baby cupboard. But I think for a while now, the idea that I may actually have a baby has been so remote that I have pushed my desire to the side so that I am not disappointed and can function on a day to day basis without falling into a heap. I definitely don't want to be that dependent on my fertility to remain happy, but it's time to go back to who I am. That is someone who is hopeful - and passionate - about wanting children.

8 comments:

  1. I know exactly what you mean. For a while now, I've been swinging too and fro wondering if I really want a baby. Then I'll see something silly, like a Dad pushing a screaming baby in a shopping trolley and I'll know how desperately I want that too....

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  2. Thanks for checking up on me. I have neglected my 'other' blog for quite some time. I hope you are doing okay, and I too know exactly what you mean...

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  3. i know what you mean too.. i have been to that point where i have needed that sign to keep going when i lose track of things..

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  4. I know I desperately want a baby, but I too have pushed it out of my mind, b/c I feel like I will just fall apart and not be able to keep trudging along if I don't take things in small steps...you're right though, being re-reminded of the goal every so often is important to keep us motivated and hopeful. :)

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  5. Thanks for stopping by my blog...! I agree, that at times, I have totally lost sight of why I am going through all of this. It's because I want a baby. And sometimes it just feels like another job, not an important act of love between my husband and I.
    Ugh... Infertility is not fun.

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  6. Bec...It is sooo easy to lose sight of why you are doing this...with infertility the ultimate aim of having a babe is so easily lost in our attempts to get past every wretched step on the way. Doesn't hurt to have a light bulb moment every once in while to remind us what this is all about. Best wishes for your FET and beyond!

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  7. Bec - Hey there...you haven't blogged in a while, so I want you to know that I am thinking of you and that I tagged you on my blog.

    I hope you are doing well.

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  8. I agree, it is easy to lose sight. After the first few months of trying it becomes a little unbelievable that you'll either be getting a visit from the red witch or a baby.
    In the beginning the baby seemed so close, within grasp, some days now all I can see are tears!
    Life can be very cruel.

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