Sunday, 25 September 2016

Six weeks in

J has been home for six weeks and we are starting to settle in and find our groove. I can honestly say that I love this boy and he is my son.

The first few weeks were mentally tough- 'along the shift from full time work to stay at home Mum, and from having come to terms with not having children and being happy with that, to all of a sudden having an active one year old- well that takes some mental gymnastics. But I've gotten past that and every time I look at him, I smile at how incredibly lucky we are.

Murray has been on school camp this week which has been challenging but also a good way of testing my coping mechanisms!!

Thursday, 25 August 2016

The first two weeks

The first two weeks with Jeb have flown by. It has been a mix of absolutely wonderful and at the same time terrifying.
J is just gorgeous. He is a happy and placid one year old, who generally sleeps well, and is very playful. He has his moments as most one year olds do, particularly tonight when he decided to scream for two hours instead of going to sleep, and then I tried rocking the chair in a different way and bang - lights out, he is asleep!
I'm in the process of setting up a new private blog where I can share more about J, but to be honest, I am not finding a lot of spare time! This parenting business is exhausting!!!
I feel incredibly lucky to have this little man as our son. It is just amazing.

Tuesday, 16 August 2016

Our little boy - the first few days

Jeb came home to us on Friday and things have been going great. He is such a happy little boy, and while it will take time to fully bond, I feel like he is starting to build that connection with us.

I'm not really comfortable sharing the nitty gritty in this space, so I am thinking of setting up a private blog instead. Adoption has a lot of stuff that goes with it, and it's not the sort of thing I want random people finding (it was fine when it was my ovaries, but our son is a person and will one day be able to read all of this).

Tuesday, 9 August 2016

Our little boy Jeb

There is so much I want to say about our son. OUR SON. Can you believe that?
I am heavily restricted by what I can write as the adoption isn't formalised until we apply to the courts, a minimum of 6 months after placement.
I can't give his full name or his birthday, and I can't share any photos of him. It's tough but I understand the need to - while we live in a major city, Perth is such a small place that it wouldn't be fair to put all of that out there when it can get back to his birth family and be upsetting for them.
So for the moment it is just for a small circle of friends.

What I can tell you:
I got the call on Friday July 29th saying that there was a baby for us. I broke down and cried and cried and then cried some more.
We went straight to the agency to find out more information about him and his situation.
He will have some special care needs, and we were chosen through our special needs approval.
We were given the weekend to make a decision (we rang first thing Monday morning to say YES!)
We got to meet him for the first time on Monday August 1st, and he was perfect in every way.
Murray is completely besotted with him.
So far we have had four visits and I will be visiting him again this afternoon.
I am on parental leave for the next 12 months!
My girlfriends through me the most amazing baby shower on the weekend, which was very special.

And with that, I am off to visit my son!

The best kind of news

'If God wills it'

Never a truer word spoken.

We have been chosen to parent a 12 month old boy named Jeb.

I have never been happier in my life.

More to come, promise.

Tuesday, 21 June 2016

My encouragement for the day

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.

James 4:13

I'm trying to rely on my faith, my go to phrase is "If the Lord wills".

Sunday, 19 June 2016

Getting through the fog

I'm doing okay. If I think about it too much, I get upset and cry, so for the most part I just don't think about it. Seeing babies and kids is really hard at the moment. Usually I am fine, but it just makes me think of everything we wont have. No first day of primary school, first tooth falling out, picking out schools and what sports they are going to play. Everything in our lives was built around our family that we wanted to have.

I went away this weekend with my two best friends which was nice to just get away from home and be somewhere different with them. It ended up being really nice. We didn't have to talk about it because they get it, they just get it without me having to explain anything.

We are booked in with an infertility counsellor in three weeks time. We have seen her in the past for IVF related stuff, but we figured that we should probably see someone to help us process all of the thoughts and emotions that we are dealing with right now.

Thursday, 9 June 2016

Day 1 of the rest of my infertile life

My period arrived this morning as expected. I couldn't face going into work today, but thankfully my boss let me work from home which meant I could stay in my PJ's, cuddle my dogs and answer emails from the couch.

I don't even know where to go from here. I thought I would be okay with this cycle not working, yet I am falling to pieces. I think it is just hitting me that I will never have a baby in my belly, I will never give birth, I will never experience all the things of motherhood that I have dreamed about since I was a child.

Yes we are still in the adoption pool, but adoption in WA is hard. There is a pool of 50-60 applicants and last year there were 2 placements. Two. So a 4% chance per year of placement. I am going to update our profile shortly with new photos, but the privacy rules here mean that we will never find out if our profile is even put forward to birth parents for consideration. There is a very good chance that we will never have the privilege of being parents.

That hurts my heart so much.

Wednesday, 8 June 2016

Day 28 - Confirmation

This cycle didn't work. My blood test results just came through from the clinic and it was a negative.

I don't know how to feel. Part of me wants to breakdown and scream and cry until there are no tears left, but what will that achieve? It won't change anything. But it could lead me down the depression and anxiety path that I am so desperate to avoid.

I'm sitting at my desk at work and don't know what the meaning of any of this is. What is the point of my life if I don't have children? What is my purpose? What difference have I made to anything?
I don't want to hear how unfair it is. I know how unfair it is but life was never promised to be fair - I know that.
I have my faith to fall back on, and for that I am so grateful, but trying to rest in him is the hardest thing right now, to trust and have faith that this is part of a greater plan.

There is nothing in this world that I wanted more than to be rocking my child back to sleep at 2am, milk-drunk, singing soft hymns and nursery rhymes.

This isn't just letting go of a dream. This is letting go of a life. The life we were meant to lead. What now?

Sunday, 5 June 2016

Day 25

I've started spotting. I guess this means it didn't work. I don't know how to feel about it all. Murray is devastated. Blood test is Wednesday.

Thursday, 2 June 2016

Day 22

Groundhog day. Still nauseous, dizzy, bloated, constipated and anxious.
I think the anxiety is the worst. It's not even about whether the cycle will work or not. It's manifesting in silly things like, will I be able to fall asleep properly tonight because I don't feel tired enough.
My work has been fantastic about me not being in the office, but I still have huge anxiety about not being at work. I tried to go in on Tuesday and Wednesday but only lasted a few hours each time due to the nausea and light-headed.
And gosh am I sick of being constipated. 9 days is so not cool. Have tried a couple of drugs but they haven't made a difference. Bleh.
Back to resting up for me. Beta in 6 days.

Tuesday, 31 May 2016

Day 20

I'm still feeling off which isn't the best. I managed to go into work for a few hours his morning but kept getting head spins and nausea to the point where I just needed to close my eyes and go home.

My Mum came over to look after me which was nice- got set up in front of the tv and heater and some fresh flowers and chocolate. Of course I don't have any appetite so they are just sitting there looking delicious.

Fingers crossed tomorrow I'll start to feel better and I can get through a full day of work. I have this Friday off as annual leave and there is a public holiday next Monday so I'll have a good rest once I get through to the weekend.