Tuesday, 21 June 2016

My encouragement for the day

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.

James 4:13

I'm trying to rely on my faith, my go to phrase is "If the Lord wills".

Sunday, 19 June 2016

Getting through the fog

I'm doing okay. If I think about it too much, I get upset and cry, so for the most part I just don't think about it. Seeing babies and kids is really hard at the moment. Usually I am fine, but it just makes me think of everything we wont have. No first day of primary school, first tooth falling out, picking out schools and what sports they are going to play. Everything in our lives was built around our family that we wanted to have.

I went away this weekend with my two best friends which was nice to just get away from home and be somewhere different with them. It ended up being really nice. We didn't have to talk about it because they get it, they just get it without me having to explain anything.

We are booked in with an infertility counsellor in three weeks time. We have seen her in the past for IVF related stuff, but we figured that we should probably see someone to help us process all of the thoughts and emotions that we are dealing with right now.

Thursday, 9 June 2016

Day 1 of the rest of my infertile life

My period arrived this morning as expected. I couldn't face going into work today, but thankfully my boss let me work from home which meant I could stay in my PJ's, cuddle my dogs and answer emails from the couch.

I don't even know where to go from here. I thought I would be okay with this cycle not working, yet I am falling to pieces. I think it is just hitting me that I will never have a baby in my belly, I will never give birth, I will never experience all the things of motherhood that I have dreamed about since I was a child.

Yes we are still in the adoption pool, but adoption in WA is hard. There is a pool of 50-60 applicants and last year there were 2 placements. Two. So a 4% chance per year of placement. I am going to update our profile shortly with new photos, but the privacy rules here mean that we will never find out if our profile is even put forward to birth parents for consideration. There is a very good chance that we will never have the privilege of being parents.

That hurts my heart so much.

Wednesday, 8 June 2016

Day 28 - Confirmation

This cycle didn't work. My blood test results just came through from the clinic and it was a negative.

I don't know how to feel. Part of me wants to breakdown and scream and cry until there are no tears left, but what will that achieve? It won't change anything. But it could lead me down the depression and anxiety path that I am so desperate to avoid.

I'm sitting at my desk at work and don't know what the meaning of any of this is. What is the point of my life if I don't have children? What is my purpose? What difference have I made to anything?
I don't want to hear how unfair it is. I know how unfair it is but life was never promised to be fair - I know that.
I have my faith to fall back on, and for that I am so grateful, but trying to rest in him is the hardest thing right now, to trust and have faith that this is part of a greater plan.

There is nothing in this world that I wanted more than to be rocking my child back to sleep at 2am, milk-drunk, singing soft hymns and nursery rhymes.

This isn't just letting go of a dream. This is letting go of a life. The life we were meant to lead. What now?

Sunday, 5 June 2016

Day 25

I've started spotting. I guess this means it didn't work. I don't know how to feel about it all. Murray is devastated. Blood test is Wednesday.

Thursday, 2 June 2016

Day 22

Groundhog day. Still nauseous, dizzy, bloated, constipated and anxious.
I think the anxiety is the worst. It's not even about whether the cycle will work or not. It's manifesting in silly things like, will I be able to fall asleep properly tonight because I don't feel tired enough.
My work has been fantastic about me not being in the office, but I still have huge anxiety about not being at work. I tried to go in on Tuesday and Wednesday but only lasted a few hours each time due to the nausea and light-headed.
And gosh am I sick of being constipated. 9 days is so not cool. Have tried a couple of drugs but they haven't made a difference. Bleh.
Back to resting up for me. Beta in 6 days.

Tuesday, 31 May 2016

Day 20

I'm still feeling off which isn't the best. I managed to go into work for a few hours his morning but kept getting head spins and nausea to the point where I just needed to close my eyes and go home.

My Mum came over to look after me which was nice- got set up in front of the tv and heater and some fresh flowers and chocolate. Of course I don't have any appetite so they are just sitting there looking delicious.

Fingers crossed tomorrow I'll start to feel better and I can get through a full day of work. I have this Friday off as annual leave and there is a public holiday next Monday so I'll have a good rest once I get through to the weekend.

Monday, 30 May 2016

Day 19

A lot has been happening so here is the cliff-notes version.

Trigger injection happened last Monday 23rd at 10.15pm, followed by egg collection on Wednesday morning. We got 14 eggs, of which 13 were suitable for ICSI and 10 fertilised.

By Day 3 we had two main embryos, a 5 cell and 6 cell, so they were both transferred. I haven't actually called to see if there were any to freeze as on the day it didn't sound like there were any others left.

Here are our two embryos- no naming them this time round.

Unfortunately the day after egg collection I was very unwell, culminating in having to call the after hours IVF number - vomiting, full body shakes, dizziness, and cramping. I ended up getting through it but it was pretty awful.

I've been off work since last Wednesday as a result of the egg collection with bouts of nausea, vomiting, constipation, light headed, and crippling anxiety. Hopefully tonight I'll get some relief

I had a PCV test this morning to check on the potential for OHSS which showed elevated levels (43- normal is under 30). My Dr wants me to start on baby aspirin until my pregnancy test and continue to take it easy.

Beta is June 8th.

Back to the lounge recliner for me.

Tuesday, 24 May 2016

Day 13 - Ready to go

How things change in a couple of hours! I got the call from the clinic to say that I would have egg pick up on Thursday and it would be a freeze-all cycle for two reasons - risk of OHSS and also my progesterone levels had risen to 4 which can reduce pregnancy success as it can make the uterine lining hostile to embryos. Not the news I wanted to hear!

My concerns with this boil down to the fact that last cycle, the two embryos that we transferred would not have been considered freeze quality, so we would have had nothing. I would rather transfer two poor embryos than nothing, especially with this being the last fresh cycle we do. Of course if it looks like we have a couple of embryos growing to blastocyst, by all means freeze them all, but if they are poor quality, no way.

I relayed these concerns to the nurse and she spoke with my Dr who has turned into a freeze-all - question mark, which just means that we will assess how I respond after egg collection and what the embryo development is like before we make a final decision. Thank goodness for that.

With that change though, the Dr decided to bring forward egg collection to Wednesday. Unfortunately I wont have my Dr doing egg collection - this is Kevin Artley who I haven't met before, but I'm sure he is more than capable.

So last night at 10.15pm I had two trigger injections - the second one was to help the follicles mature that little bit more as they were a little on the small side on the scan yesterday. Egg Collection is booked in for 10.15am Wednesday morning, and I have arranged to be off work for the rest of the week. I'm feeling a bit off today from all of the drugs, and my ovaries feel so heavy and uncomfortable - I have to walk very slowly and gently because they can get quite painful if I forget!

I also checked in with the clinic about Murray's frozen sperm samples. The first sample was only 2% motility but the second sample had 5% motility which is a huge improvement on the 0.01% fresh sample last IVF. He will still give a fresh sample tomorrow which they will analyse and then choose the best sample to use to fertilise the eggs.

All systems are go!

Monday, 23 May 2016

Day 12

Another bad blood test experience today. I'm super sensitive to the needles, even when they use a smaller gauge needle than usual.

 

My eggs are looking good – I have 32 follicles greater than 10mm, and another 20+ smaller antral follicles. Saturday was 21 follicles greater than 10mm, so it's definitely moving along, although I wish we had bigger follicles rather than just lots! The lead follicle is 19mm

 

 

It looks like my doctor is only doing egg collections on Tuesdays and Thursdays so if egg collection is on Friday, I will have someone else doing it (but I confirmed it's not Dr T who I won't let anywhere near me!). Usually on the weekends, the patient's own doctor will do the egg collection, so I'm hoping that either I go on Thursday or Saturday.

Sunday, 22 May 2016

Day 11

My blood test yesterday morning was awful, lots of digging around to find a vein - my arm is pretty bruised up today. On the plus side, I have plenty of follicles as usual with about 20 larger than 10mm.   I had a day off from tests today, but I am back  at the clinic tomorrow morning for another blood test and scan. 

I started the Cetrotide injections on Saturday afternoon. Usually I have Orgalutran but they wanted to try something different. 

Hormone levels as of Sat morning are:
Estrogen - 10560
LH - 14
Progesterone - 4.3

Wednesday, 18 May 2016

Day 7

My first blood test and ultrasound was yesterday, and as usual, I have plenty of eggs growing. There were 10+ follicles one each ovary, although the ones on the left were a lot smaller (under 6mm) compared to the right ovary (under 10mm). My estrogen was 1090, and I have to go back tomorrow for another blood test, and then Friday for bloods and a scan.

I am so tired at the moment, I come home from home exhausted and fall into bed. Maybe it's the weather, or potentially just having a lot on my plate. I don't know. Off to have a nap before dinner.