Monday, 15 September 2014

Photo update

My graduation was last Monday and it was fabulous. Murray, my Mum and sister-in-law all came along to help celebrate.
Graduation selfie with my only other graduating friend Michelle


We went to a wedding on Saturday which was really lovely. This is my sister-in-law and I enjoying the sunshine after the ceremony.

And my evening dress for the reception! I've never worn anything so revealing as this before but I loved it!

Wedding selfie

And a proper photo of Murray and I together #love

Sunday, 7 September 2014

Looking forward

This is what I am looking forward to right now. We can't wait for our holiday, and are trying to focus all our attention on that to try and forget about our recent disappointment. Part of us still hopes that the adoption could come through and we wont be able to go on our trip. As much as I would love to go to Europe, I would drop everything at a moments notice if the adoption came through.

Who knows what we will be doing in three months time. If it is changing nappies - then I will be happy. If it is a white christmas in Strasbourg and Paris - I will be enjoying it very much!

Friday, 5 September 2014

Coping with the disappointment

It's been a rough couple of days. I thought I was coping reasonably well with the disappointment of this cycles failure but once the period pain started, I actually started vomiting as either a pain or stress response and had to go home from work. Then the pain sent me into a mental tailspin and I had an anxiety attack- something I haven't experienced for a long time.

This was one of my fears about coming off my antidepressants - that I wouldn't cope well and I wouldn't have that safety net. Today I had another anxiety attack at work, but was able to go down to the sick bay and lock myself in for 20 minutes to deal with the worst of it and nobody saw me. I'm feeling much better this afternoon, but it is something that I'm going to have to watch out for. Thanks to a lovely doctor, I have some Valium tablets to help me sleep if I get too worked up but I've only ever used that as a last resort.

Murray and I had a good talk this afternoon and have decided not to go ahead with the other donated embryo at this point. My mental health is more important right now, and even though I have only had two mild episodes, I had forgotten how awful they can make you feel. We are going to hold out until the public IVF program is up and running again and make sure that we are ready then to deal with the emotional side of things.

Wednesday, 3 September 2014


As expected, the blood test showed up negative. My doctor is happy for me to go ahead with another transfer of the other donated embryo but we are going to leave it for now. With only one 2 cell embryo left, I don't like our chances of a successful thaw, so it's better that we leave it as a back up if future treatment fails.

For now we are regrouping and going back to waiting for either the adoption to come through or for the public IVF to become available. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy planning for our holiday in December, and try and lose the extra couple of kilos I've put on over the last four months.

We will be okay. It's sad but I'm not going to self-destruct.

Monday, 1 September 2014

Day 32 - facing the music

Negative again. We are both really upset, but trying to find comfort in each other.
Official blood test on Wednesday but not expecting any miracles.
Luckily I had pre-booked today off work as annual leave so spent the day in my PJ's moping around the house. Not sure what our next step is, maybe use our last donated embryo, or just wait until after we get back from Europe. I don't really want to think about it right now.

Saturday, 30 August 2014

Day 30 - Negative at 8dp2dt

It's hard to know how to feel. I took pregnancy tests each of the last three mornings and they have all been negative. I know it is early to test, and that there is the possibility of it being a 'false negative', but it has definitely taken the wind out of my sails. I felt so positive that this cycle had worked, and now I feel deflated, like there is no hope at all.

I've been going to my acupuncture sessions every two days which has been helpful to keep the stress levels down but it hasn't stopped me from having a couple of tearful moments where I realise the odds are so low for us. I have been bone tired the last few days and I really thought that might have been a symptom but I guess that was all in my head.

I'll do it all again tomorrow no doubt.

Tuesday, 26 August 2014

Day 26 - 4dp2dt

It's hard to know what to feel right now. I keep waiting for a sign, something that will tell me 'yes' this is happening, or no it's not going to work. I know there is nothing I can do but wait and pray, and that's what I am doing.

No symptoms, absolutely nothing. I'm planning to test on the weekend at some point, probably on Sunday when I will be 11 days past ovulation. It still won't be perfect, but it will give me some idea at least. I have next Monday off work which will be nice to give myself time to deal with the disappointment of negative if that's what the result is.

On September 8th, it is my graduation ceremony. It took many years of working full time and studying part time but I finally completed my business degree and the graduation ceremony is the final celebration. My Mum, Murray and his sister are coming along to see me get my certificate. At least if everything turns pear shaped, I have something to look forward to.

Trying to stay positive...

Friday, 22 August 2014

Day 18 - The Human Incubator

We now have one beautiful little embryo on board! Transfer was at 7.45 this morning, and I had my lovely friend Bec with me who managed to take a few photos.

All dressed in my gown, getting ready for the procedure

It was all very stress-free with virtually no pain or discomfort during the procedure which was nice. We got to see the embryo on the screen, and next thing you know the embryologist is saying 'all clear' and it's over and done with. The procedure at our clinic is to then lie down for half an hour in recovery which was nice considering how early we had to leave to get to the clinic on time.

My blood test is on Wednesday September 3rd which seems just so far away right now. I will probably test before hand, but I'll just see how it goes and how I am feeling. In the meantime we have named our little emby 'Olaf'. If you don't have kids yourself, you might not catch the reference, but it is the snowmans name in Frozen!

Introducing Olaf!

Our little 2 cell embryo 'Olaf'

As we were walking out of the clinic, I saw a very interesting sign on the wall about a low cost IVF option that the clinic has just started. From the brochure the receptionist gave me, the natural IVF is without medication, while the 'standard' IVF is for day 2-3 transfer, using Synarel suppression, gonal-f and no ICSI. It probably isn't suitable for us but should this cycle be unsuccessful, I'll definitely bring it up with my specialist and see what he thinks. It is definitely a huge saving compared to the normal prices! It's awesome to see that clinics are making an effort in this area.

Sign up in the hallway

Thursday, 21 August 2014

Day 17 - Ready and Waiting

Our little embryo has been defrosted and it thawed out perfectly according to the embryologist! I start my progesterone pessaries tonight, and transfer is all booked for the morning. I have to be at the clinic at 7am, and my doctor will do the transfer at 7.45am. Unfortunately Murray has an early morning at work, so my best friend (another Bec!) will be coming along with me. I'm glad I'm not doing it myself, although I have done in the past if I have had to. It's nice to be able to talk to someone and settle my nerves.

One of our traditions is to name our embryos at transfer, so I need to start working on names. We have had Snug & Buggles, Honey, Vanilla and Frosty. Usually they 'sticky' or cold names - I'd love all of your ideas please!

I had another acupuncture session this afternoon, and afterwards I decided to walk back to the train station through Northbridge. On the walk, I spotted the most adorable baby display in the window of Beau Est Mien - they have little crocheted stuffed toys and the cutest organic baby clothes. This will definitely be my first stop if get pregnant this cycle!

Monday, 18 August 2014

Day 14 - #unsoliciteduterusupdate

My body has decided to cooperate and ovulate on its own! My LH has surged to 16 which indicates ovulation. My estrogen is 1839 which is a big jump from yesterday, and my progesterone is 2.6. I need to go in tomorrow for another blood test to confirm that I have indeed ovulated, but all is looking good.

I had two moments today where it felt like God was telling me 'it's time'. When I was driving home in the rain, it eased off for a few minutes and not only did one full rainbow appear, it turned into a double rainbow! I feel strongly that rainbows are a sign of God's promises to us, so that left me feeling really optimistic.

The second moment happened at dinner. I made some delicious chicken and rocket sausages in the thermomix and we ate dinner on our bench next to the kitchen, rather than our usual spot in the lounge room. As I opened my eyes after saying Grace, I had this image flash in front of me, almost like a vision, of a high chair sitting at the end of the bench and a child sitting in it eating their dinner with us.

I continue to pray and hope.

Sunday, 17 August 2014

Day 13 - more blood tests

Five days in a row of blood tests and my poor veins are not coping well. My left arm has only very shallow veins that are really easy to collapse, and my right arm has only two veins that the phlebotomist has had success with getting blood from. I've had a few issues this cycle where the person has tried one of the non-preferred veins and I've gotten quite faint and in pain as a result of the slow bleeding and having to move the needle around in my arm. Fingers crossed I don't have too many more to go.

Today's estrogen level is 1389, progesterone is 2, and LH is 9, so it doesn't look like I will ovulate on my own. The clinic has asked for me to do another blood test in the morning (ouch), plus an ultrasound, and pick up a trigger injection which I will use to induce ovulation if my LH levels haven't surged by tomorrow morning.

This weekend has been really lovely. Hubby and I went for a lovely breakfast in Subiaco after my appointment at the clinic yesterday, and while I had my acupuncture appointment in the afternoon, he went and had a face shave and beard trim at the barber. On a whim I called up some friends of us who happened to be in the next suburb over, so we went to Mount Lawley and had a drink and some snacks to catch up. The weather in Perth seems to have lost its winter edge, if only for a brief respite from the cold weather we've been having, so it was nice to get out a bit.

I appear to have convinced my subconscious that this cycle is going to work. My brain is thinking about baby names, nursery furniture and maternity hospital choice. Even when I deliberately try and think about other things, it all comes back to being successful. My worst fear is being unsuccessful and plunging into a deep dark hole.

Saturday, 16 August 2014

Day 12 - Acupuncture

Somehow blogger managed to cut off the second half of my post yesterday.

I am doing an acupuncture session this afternoon. I had my first appointment with 'Catching Young' in North Perth on Wednesday afternoon, and I was so relaxed that my legs turned to jelly afterwards! I've done acupuncture in the past, mainly for migraines and relaxation, but research seems to show good success with IVF so I'm giving it a go.

We are on our way to the clinic now for my scan and blood test, and then I think we might go out for breakfast somewhere in the city. Usually on Saturday mornings I go for a run or take the dogs out for a walk, but that might be shelved for this week as I am still recovering from my cold, and now am all dressed nicely for the day.